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    Monday, March 31, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    Bruce is starting to annoy me. He actually referred to me as “Cappy” at the dinner table. Damn! It was embarrassing. I am going to piss in his coffee later today. Tee hee!

    I got spat on today. Don't know who did it. Was taking a walk on the lower decks and suddenly, I felt the splat. Damn these kids to hell.

    Wednesday, March 26, 2003

    Of course, this stupid thing only works when I post blogs that read "I hate Blogger". It goes to hell when I post a relevant piece of literature filled with life-lessons to educate and at the same time, to entertain. Pah!
    I still hate Blogger.

    Friday, March 14, 2003

    An Interview With A God: Part 2

    Me: Let’s get back to what’s going on in the world today. What are your thoughts?
    God: Before I begin, let me say a few words about the state of your public restrooms in Malaysia. Why are the floors wet all the damn time?
    Me: Uuhhh...good one. I thought you were all knowing.
    God: I am.
    Me: Yeah. But I guess some people do not think toilet paper is good enough for them. God: Well, get them to kiss my ass.
    Me: Anyway, back to your thoughts on the world today.
    God: Yes. It will be partly cloudy with scattered showers in the coastal areas. Temperature will range from 75 – 89 degrees Fahrenheit. Expect a cold front from the east to sweep across the midlands later in the day.
    Me: I didn’t ask about the weather. I am asking about the state of the world today. How did it get like this? Why aren’t you doing anything to make things better?
    God: Yes. Good question. It’s all part of the secret master plan.
    Me: What secret master plan?
    God: It’s a secret. If I told you, it won’t be a secret master plan anymore. It would just be master plan sans secret. You are a putz.
    Me: Thanks. I will make T-shirts that say that. Well, I can see that this interview is a major bust. You are not making any sense.
    God: That’s OK. The point that I want to drive home today is that we should keep public restrooms dry. And again, the meaning of life is to not piss me off. Other than that, go nuts.
    Me: Are you sure you are a God?
    God: Yes. It’s says that on my name tag.
    Me: Whatever you say.
    God: Yes. I am taking questions from your fellow readers. So, get them to post their questions and I will answer them. I am, after all, a God.
    Me: Can you make me taller?
    God: No.
    Me: Darn.
    God: You are already beautiful as is. Just kidding.

    Thursday, March 13, 2003

    You may have noticed the note tag from Woof: “...This is what I got from looking up "CEBAI" from Google!”

    I just had to check it out to see if that were true. Well, yank the monkey out of my ass and call me Betty...there it was! Enter the word “Cebai” in Google and try keeping a straight face and constantly look to make sure no one is over your shoulder, and this blog is number 8 on the list! Why is that so wrong???

    When I enter “Bolumn”, my site does not show up but the link to fellow-bat’s blog shows up: batbabe.blogspot.com.

    Anyway, I hope that you found what you were looking for, Woof.

    By the way, “cebai” means “pretty face” in Kadunstan, a local dialect used by the aborigines in East Malaysia and Borneo. “Cebai” which derives from the Latin word Smelluss Cebaius dates as far back as 1335 and were first used by royal immigrants from the Java Islands as well as the Philippines who settled in East Malaysia and later became royalty.

    Many of these immigrants took on local women as their wives and as a result of the ethnic mix, their off-springs had distinct features which are uncommon Asian features. Hence, these children of mixed parentage were adored by society and were referred to as “cebai”.

    Today, when one sees a pretty face on the streets of Malaysia (both east and west) as well as neighbouring Singapore, it is not uncommon to hear someone say “There’s that cebai face!” or if you prefer, try a local phrase: “Muka cebai.”
    You know, I had a blogspot once. Then I removed it with blogspot remover. *Ba-dump-bump*

    Wednesday, March 12, 2003

    Here is a lovely footnote to the Great Kettle Burnout. I am thrilled to bits. I bought a new kettle today from Living Quarters at 1-Utama. And what an interesting story it is too.

    The retail price of this kettle is RM109.00. Very pricey no? But it was on sale with a 20% discount. Still pricey. After all, I have already carbonised two kettles from IKEA at RM70 each. But after looking around, I just could not take home those big industrial kettles that look like something my mom has. Heck, I will just buy this and make sure I do not burn it.

    So I go to the check out counter. The cashier asks how much discount the kettle is entitled to. SHE asks ME. I jokingly said “70%” and bless this child, she actually keys in 70% and I get 70% off! I paid RM32.70! When I see that number ringing up, you could see it in my face that I am trying to contain my excitement. Even Pam notices my constipated look.

    Anyway, I pay and leave.

    I bring the kettle home. And amazingly enough, the IKEA kettle’s whistler fits perfectly on my new kettle. (See inset.) Joy!

    Well, that’s that. I will now enjoy my kettle.


    Description: Stainless steel water boiling apparatus with two openings for water inflow and outflow. Built-in whistling mechanism for water temperature alert; preset at 100 degrees Celsius.

    Pros: Withstands heat and holds water flawlessly. Excellent design. Interchangeable whistler.
    Cons: Handle gets hot. Whistler only knows one song/note. Does not do laundry.

    Material:Stainless steel.
    Volume: 1.5 litres.
    Country of origin: Korea.
    Retail price: RM109.00
    Available at Living Quarters, 1-Utama and at Metrojaya stores near you.

    Saturday, March 08, 2003

    I hate Blogger!
    I will write for eight minutes. Because in eight minutes, I would have finished downloading all the songs Mackie recommended (songs by Stina Nordenstam). I didn’t bother to even preview the music. I just did a search and clicked on some 15 songs by the singer and when no one was looking, I also clicked on “Atlantis Is Calling” by Modern Talking.

    In less than eight minutes, I can shut down my PC and go to sleep.

    This has been an interesting week for me. When it rains, it pours. I’ve been preparing for this songwriting workshop which will take place in about 10 hours. But before that, I will be interviewed by a Chinese newspaper. That confirms it. I’m moving over to the dark side. I actually regret not being Chinese educated. Though I am sure I will lose the edge in my flaming personality seeing that there is no Mandarin equivalent to the phrase "dumb chicken shit fuck wad." I’m becoming the person I’d never thought I'd be. I am actually considering sending my children to Chinese-medium schools...but that’s another story. I am starting to eat my rice in a bowl with chopsticks. I have more Chinese CDs in my car now than I have English music. I can actually recognise my own name in Chinese characters. (Having the same surname as Karen Mok helps.) It is only a matter of time before I starting saying “I am so boring” or “computer hardwares and softwares” and I want to give myself another first name like "Flacken" or "Peaness."

    PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD!

    In less than 6 minutes, I can shut down my PC and go to sleep.

    But I guess being Chinese isn’t all that bad. Just as long as I don’t downgrade myself from Chinese to Ah Beng. Which reminds me of this one bit Chris Rock did about black people. And I think his thinking applies to Chinese people and other races as well.

    To paraphrase: There are two kinds of Chinese people. There’s Chinese people and then there are Ah Bengs. And everybody hates Ah Bengs...well, except their fellow Ah Bengs.

    Holy crap. Sudden burst of bandwidth Batman. All the songs have been downloaded on to my hard drive illegally without any payment to the record label, artist, or the songwriters.

    On that note, Chinese people are cool. Ah Bengs are not. Moving on.

    Monday, March 03, 2003

    An Interview With A God: Part 1

    Me: I have not been feeling good lately. Not physically...but emotionally and spiritually.
    God: Well, you’re a dork. That’s why.
    Me: Dear God...that’s cold.
    God: Mop it up and move on. Life is for you to experience. You are alive. You are experiencing. You are growing. The pain, as you’d call it, whether mental, physical, or emotional are just the temporary waves that sweep you in the ocean of experience.
    Me: Really?
    God: No. I just made all that crap up. But you bought it, didn’t you?
    Me: Almost...but you lost me right after “mop it up and move on”. My mind wandered to what I was planning to have for dinner. Chicken or beef.
    God: You little bitch. Don’t dis me. I will send a lightning bolt up your ass.
    Me: Sorry about that. I got carried away, almighty one.
    God: Don’t sweat it. I am after all, the patient one.
    Me: Anyway, I am your lost sheep. I am lost and I don’t know about my life and stuff.
    God: Whoa! Easy on the livestock talk. My son handles all the sheep talk. He is the appointed shepard in the family. Give me a call at 1-900-SWEET-JESUS. Each call costs $9.90 for the first minute and 99 cents for every 30 seconds thereafter.
    Me: That was quite shameless.
    God: Screw you.
    Me: Yeah. Let me ask you the question you’d probably get asked most of the time. What is the meaning of life?
    God: First, the question I get asked most of the time is “God, when are you going to cum?” Second, to answer your question, the meaning of life is to not piss me off. So do as I say. In fact, I’ve written it all down. Well...I didn’t actually write the whole book myself since I was kinda busy that century. But I did tell a whole bunch of people including Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to take notes. In fact, I have two testaments. You should check it out. Quite a bestseller. But you know what? I have not received a damn cent in royalties.
    Me: What’s the title of your book?
    God: Well, the working title was “Stories I Pulled Out Of My Ass” but my publisher suggested I change it to “Words From The Big Guy” or “The Bible”.
    Me: Great. I will get a copy. I hope you’ll sign my copy.
    God: Sure thing. Just come by tomorrow and I will explain why I made women they way they are.
    Me: OK. See you tomorrow then.
    God: Yeah. Hey...will you turn off the lights on your way out?

    Sunday, March 02, 2003

    Just so you know how interesting my life has been, let me share some of the highlights. I flossed and reorganised the contents in my fridge.

    I’ve been working with this one lyricist these past weeks. He was introduced by my publisher via email. And shortly after, he was putting words to my music. I upload my song demos in MP3 format and he’d download them. He writes the words and then emails me the lyrics.

    All this time, I am thinking that this lyricist in the same city I’m in. It turns out that he isn’t. He is from up north, Penang.

    Hang on...I have a point.

    I’ve become one of those people who think Kuala Lumpur is the centre of the universe. It never occurred to me to ask him where he was or where he was from. I never got to know him until I realised it.

    This brings me to an interesting observation about people who live in a city with a Starbucks or McDonald’s. I will get to the Starbucks/McDonald’s qualifier shortly.

    My observation is this. We, and by “we”, I mean, the people considered to be the “generation that will affect the future the most,” have become to full of ourselves because we’ve had it good. Because we have a Starbucks in our neighbourhood, suddenly we want more. We want more than Starbucks and everything else from the land of Starbucks. But we don’t want to leave home...no! We have become so provincial. We all say we’d leave the country if given the chance. I’ll bet my left nut that then most people come to the bridge, they won’t cross it. If they did, they’d use their return ticket in three months because they miss their nasi lemak.

    Of course, I am generalising. All this could be just me. I must be getting old.