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    Monday, March 03, 2003

    An Interview With A God: Part 1

    Me: I have not been feeling good lately. Not physically...but emotionally and spiritually.
    God: Well, you’re a dork. That’s why.
    Me: Dear God...that’s cold.
    God: Mop it up and move on. Life is for you to experience. You are alive. You are experiencing. You are growing. The pain, as you’d call it, whether mental, physical, or emotional are just the temporary waves that sweep you in the ocean of experience.
    Me: Really?
    God: No. I just made all that crap up. But you bought it, didn’t you?
    Me: Almost...but you lost me right after “mop it up and move on”. My mind wandered to what I was planning to have for dinner. Chicken or beef.
    God: You little bitch. Don’t dis me. I will send a lightning bolt up your ass.
    Me: Sorry about that. I got carried away, almighty one.
    God: Don’t sweat it. I am after all, the patient one.
    Me: Anyway, I am your lost sheep. I am lost and I don’t know about my life and stuff.
    God: Whoa! Easy on the livestock talk. My son handles all the sheep talk. He is the appointed shepard in the family. Give me a call at 1-900-SWEET-JESUS. Each call costs $9.90 for the first minute and 99 cents for every 30 seconds thereafter.
    Me: That was quite shameless.
    God: Screw you.
    Me: Yeah. Let me ask you the question you’d probably get asked most of the time. What is the meaning of life?
    God: First, the question I get asked most of the time is “God, when are you going to cum?” Second, to answer your question, the meaning of life is to not piss me off. So do as I say. In fact, I’ve written it all down. Well...I didn’t actually write the whole book myself since I was kinda busy that century. But I did tell a whole bunch of people including Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to take notes. In fact, I have two testaments. You should check it out. Quite a bestseller. But you know what? I have not received a damn cent in royalties.
    Me: What’s the title of your book?
    God: Well, the working title was “Stories I Pulled Out Of My Ass” but my publisher suggested I change it to “Words From The Big Guy” or “The Bible”.
    Me: Great. I will get a copy. I hope you’ll sign my copy.
    God: Sure thing. Just come by tomorrow and I will explain why I made women they way they are.
    Me: OK. See you tomorrow then.
    God: Yeah. Hey...will you turn off the lights on your way out?

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