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    Friday, April 25, 2003

    You know...Milo is possibly the only drink I don't know what it's supposed to taste like. I've been drinking it all my life and I know how I like it. Super-chunky! But it's not like most hot beverages like coffee or tea when there is a general consensus as to what is considered "good coffee" or "bad coffee". On the other hand, I don't think there's actually the "right" way to make Milo. Not to my knowledge.

    I notice that most Malaysians (or wherever Milo is sold and consumed) like their Milo really strong. I am talking about 80% Milo and 20% water. Which begs me to ask, why don't we just eat chocolate instead?

    And check this out. I have a friend who fills 75% of her cup with Milo. Adds hot milk to dilute the Milo. Then adds ice to cool the drink down. And then adds more Milo which won't dissolve since the drink is cold. So, you're drinking this milky chocolate thing with chunks of Milo floating about. You'd be crapping chocolate by the end of the day.

    One more thing. Have you ever noticed that we almost always have to force ourselves to finish the last half of the mug of Milo? Someone always has to say "Finish your drink!" I think it is because we always put enough Milo in the mix to feed a horse, and by the time we get half way through, we are full. Then we'd just leave it there and it gets cold. Then we throw it out because there's that gross layer of Milo-film.

    Tune in next week when we discuss why we like the butter to melt on our toast but not on soft white bread.

    Friday, April 18, 2003

    Create Your Own Blog! Cut-and-paste the text below and very soon you will be blogging like everyone else on the planet!

    Hi! I don't know what is going on now. I feel so lost and confused. Today, I got some bad news from [your best friend's name] telling me that I am losing focus. Is he right? I just don't know. I want to die. I want it all to end. I wish I had someone to love me. I feel so alone. I feel like the world hates me. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

    I ate an orange today.

    I also got an email today from Mr. Zeke Momtomatu from the Republic of Bongo. I feel so sorry for him. Apparently, his father died and he left some money in a Swiss bank account. Mr. Momtomatu needs my help to get the money out since he is no longer recognised by the Bongonian government. I will be sending him some money for some legal processing fees to process the fees which are legally required to be processed legally. I hope I can help him out. He said that there might be a little something for me. Yay! All my hard work is finally paying off.

    But I still think the world hates me. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why can't I find someone to love me? Am I not desirable? Why God? Why did you put me on this Earth to suffer in pain and loneliness? God bless you Mr. Zeke Momtomatu from the Republic of Bongo! The check is in the mail.
    Once again...I am impressed by the resourcefulness of Malaysians. I am lying.

    This entry would seem to cheapen the whole effort but I guess it showed me to not be too cryptic when I write. I am going to explain this whole "Edward J. Smith" episode to those who have asked who Edward J. Smith is. I am going to explain this in very simple English just so I don't lose you.

    No, I am not going on a trip. No, I did not rip off Edward's blog. No, I am not Edward J. Smith.

    Edward J. Smith is the captain of the Titanic. The Titanic is a really huge luxury ship which sank in 14 April 1912 on its maiden voyage. There was even a movie called "Titanic" made in 1997 to tell this story. Perhaps you have heard of it or even seen it. I thought it would be clever to imagine what the blog of the captain of the Titanic would be like. Silly me. And it coincides with the day the Titanic set sail and the day it sank. It was exactly 101 years ago when the Titanic hit the iceberg at the time of the last Edward J. Smith blog.

    To those who harrassed me about Edward J. Smith: Didn't it occur to you to simply Google "Edward J. Smith"? Only one person "got it" without havng me to explain. C'mon people! Watch more TV!

    If you still do not get it, email me your credit card number or send me US$29.95 and I will send you a special video unlocking the secrets to the "Edward J. Smith Blog". Wait! There's more. If you email now, I will send you an exclusive limited-edition bottle of the sea water in which the Titanic sank in. So real you could almost hear the drowning. Yes! Own a piece of Titanic....sorta.

    Tuesday, April 15, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    We hit an iceberg today!

    Monday, April 14, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    We have received six iceberg warnings this evening. I am not sure if I should be worried since we are moving at almost top speed. We should arrive at our destination tomorrow.

    Saturday, April 12, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    We left Queenstown this afternoon. I am looking forward to reaching New York. I am going to retire and chill with the wife and kids. And have lots of sex....with the wife. Ismay was telling me that the sea water of the Pacific is saltier than the sea water of the Atlantic. I wonder if he is yanking my chain.

    Friday, April 11, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    We left at noon just now. So far it has been very good. Should be arriving in Cherbourg soon. Had a little incident just now just as we were departing. I had a little argument with Henry Wilde. He said he had a queer feeling about the ship. It is not going to be pleasant if he continues with his outlook. Damn it! I am in control of the safest, most luxurious ship in the world! Even God can't sink this ship! Who wants to touch me?
    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    We set sail today!!!!

    Sunday, April 06, 2003

    Edward J. Smith's Blog

    I am so excited. And I just can't hide it. In a few more days, we are setting out to sea! If this does not impress the chicks, nothing will.