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    Friday, December 31, 2004

    We were discussing our sudden urge for charity last night. Some of my friends were buy food and water and giving it to this temple. And the temple, with the assistance of Sri Lanka Air was going to air this cargo to Sri Lanka. When I say food, I mean instant noodles by the boxes and industrial-sized bottled water. Then we have lines of people at the temple with their boxes of instant noodles and industrial-sized bottled water. In other words, we are talking about a whole lot of instant noodles and industrial-sized bottled water.

    Then it got me thinking as instant noodles and industrial-sized bottled water do. As well intended as we are, wouldn't it make more sense to give money to an organised charity; preferably a reputable one and non-government related?

    I am no United Nations official but think about it. It would take a whole lot of plane to ferry all this low-value cargo to Sri Lanka. And it would be very difficult for people on the ground to distribute rations which are not standardised. Who gets the big bottle of water? Who gets the small ones? Who gets the can of tuna and who get the instant noodles?

    And why instant noodles? I am thinking food that does not require cooking like high-nutrient crackers, chocolate, bread. You know, the sort of thing soldiers eat at war.

    It would make more economic sense to send food from India. Sri Lanka Air and the other airlines should use the planes to ferry high-value water treatment or medical equipment or people. Not cheap food.

    I think, in haste, we want to satisfy our own personal need to give. Just so we know that we have done our part. And because we think we are being smart when we say "I don't give her money. I give her food" because that was how we dealt with our last Indonesian maid when she asked for a loan, we think this reasoning will work in this scale. We are contributing to a distribution hassle.

    Or perhaps if we give money, we think it will go into the pockets of some corrupt government official. Perhaps. But more unlikely. Or we giving money doesn't have the same kind of visual satisfaction of backing up a car filled with instant noodles and bottled water to a temple with people watching. What I think people on the ground need there is money and coordination in using this money. I think that's what the Red Cross is for.

    Thursday, December 30, 2004

    Not that I'll have to cancel my evening plans tomorrow, but I am surprised and disappointed that the Prime Minister has called the country to cancel new year's eve celebrations tomorrow.

    I can hear all the event organisers in the country getting a heart attack right now.

    This move says a lot about the man as a leader of a country. And it worries me a little. Because it shows Badawi as a man of response rather than of forward action. (All those years in business school taught me who to write crap like that!)

    For me, the best thing to do is for the country to move on. It has happened. Let the healing begin. Go on and celebrate the new year. Be mindful and respectful. Don't get pissed drunk and then start humping a goat. Don't kid yourself. (Hah!) Do it as a celebration of life. Whatever people do to greet the new year, do it with a purpose to help those in need. Donate portions of your business takings to charity. Spread the message at the concerts. Show some love. Just shelve the strippers and techno music.

    People in India are playing cricket to raise money for charity. And here we are, praying.

    I am reminded of the former mayor of New York City, Rudolph Giuliani. After the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center, he regrouped, and told the city of New York to return to normalcy. Again, let the healing begin. For me, it shows sign of positive leadership and courage to say that.

    Sitting around and praying is not going to do anything for the country except to bum everyone out. Don't get me wrong. Pray, by all means. But there is no need to make it a national agenda. And seriously, do you think people are going to stop partying tomorrow? Hell no! The loser here is really the Malaysian economy.

    I guess tomorrow I will just have to limit my wild night of counting backwards, excessive drinking and wanton sex with anonymous strangers within the boundaries of my apartment walls instead of the park at KLCC or Bangsar. What a bummer.

    Tuesday, December 28, 2004

    Kuala Lumpur: A 22-year-old Malaysian electronic engineer has claimed a national record for running backwards. S Moganasundar ran backwards for 30 kilometres taking three hours, 30 minutes and 35 seconds to compete the feat at the Perak Stadium in Ipoh.

    "I am happy I did this. I always wanted to do something meaningful in life," he said.

    AFP - 28 December 2004

    Sunday, December 26, 2004

    That Learning Channel package on Astro is truly a channel for learning. I already feel so much smarter and geekier. I now know how the CIA train their spies. I also know how the built a super liner. I can't believe that women in Africa do freaky shit to their lips to attract men. And it's confirmed that the only man that looks good in sandals is Jesus.

    But here's one that really floated my boat. Some guy was looking for Noah's flood in the Black Sea. Yes, that Noah. The one with the ark and his animals walking in twos in to a boat he built because God was pissed and he was going to flood the world and destroy mankind.

    Anyway, this archeologist found traces of civilisation on the bed of the Black Sea. I find that very fascinating. But what made me ponder was why didn't I read any of this in the newspapers or hear it on CNN first? This is an amazing discovery that could change history and have an impact on the mind-controlling substance called religion.

    Then it hit me. Maybe this is not real. Maybe its entertainment. Perhaps "The National Geographic Channel" is like the "World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment" of the news world. On the flip side, maybe this is really news but the mainstream news media do not want to carry this news.

    Oh the humanity.

    Friday, December 24, 2004

    Several of my, evidently, good friends have gotten me very lovely Holiday presents this year. (They don't qualify as Christmas presents since I am not Christian, although I do know some of the songs.) And I got the presents early this year since many of them were also going away for the Christmas holidays. Skiing perhaps.

    Let me spare them the suspense. I am not getting anyone any gifts this year. In fact, I don't think I've gotten anyone anything at any Christmas. There are prerequisites you see.

    The only person getting a gift from me this year is Vince, since he is Christian. I was going to get something for his sister too but I couldn't find a box large enough to put myself in.

    But please, don't let the gifts stop coming my way. Please.

    (Taken from "256 Ways To Guarantee A Gift-Free Christmas: Mommy...Santa Doesn't Like Me." p 123.)

    Thursday, December 23, 2004

    It has been almost a month now since I’ve had Astro installed. Frankly, it has been a lot of pressure having all those channels that need to be watched. I’ve never been one to consistently watch a lot of TV. I have not even caught up on my downloaded TV episodes of “Enterprise”, “Joey”, and “Will & Grace” yet and now I have “Matrix Reloaded” calling out to me on HBO.

    First, I have an open question to Astro: Why the subtitles on screen which takes up 30% of the screen? The translate jokes in Malay isn’t any funnier. Shouldn’t the subtitles only be there WHEN I WANT IT? Isn’t that what the SUBTITLE button on my Astro remote is for?

    And I have eight other observations which you may or may not care for.

    1. You can always watch an episode of “Friends” even though you have seen it 72 times.

    2. The longest three seconds of your life is when you are scanning the channels and you hit the Astro Box Office channels and you have to wait for it to “do its thing” before you can move on.

    3. A person is 85% more likely to watch a movie he has seen on one of the movie channels instead of the other movies on the other channels that he hasn’t seen but did want to.

    4. Men are 78% more likely to watch a movie they did not want to watch in the first place because it was a romantic comedy or they thought it was crap.

    5. If a person watches Astro one hour before an appointment, there is a 68.8% chance that this person will be late for the appointment and a 45.2% chance that this person will cancel the appointment.

    6. I now know Malaysia is in the same time zone as Hong Kong and the Philippines and one hour ahead of Thailand.

    7. All those channels and still nothing to watch.

    8. Thanks to Astro, I now know how to speak with a British accent.

    Tuesday, December 21, 2004

    We Malaysians are a strange lot. About seven percent of the Malaysian population are Christians. Yet we embrace and talk about Christmas as if Mary gave birth to Jesus in Pahang and Santa Claus set up a distribution hub next to KLIA.

    Once again, I attribute this phenomenon to this inferiority complex that we Asians have to want to embrace and assimilate cultures that are irrelevant to us because it's the white thing to do. Christmas is a big thing on TV. I wanna be part of it too because Deepavali or Hari Raya ain't too cool. Besides, I can't really sing along to the songs.

    In other words, we are suckers. I am pretty sure that there is some American tourist in Malaysia wondering why there are a bunch of non-Christian's celebrating the birth of Christ.

    And you know we want to make it a big deal about Christmas because we go around asking people what their Christmas plans are. As if we expect the other person to say "Oh, I'm going skiing up in the mountains."

    December 25 is a Saturday. It's already a holiday for most of us. We go back to work on Monday.

    Sure, we all say it's all too commercial but yet we fall for it and go around wishing “Merry Christmas”.

    Guy: Merry Christmas.
    Me: I'm not Christian.
    Guy: You know...it's sad. What happened to the spirit of Christmas? Christmas has become so commercial.
    Me: I don't know. I'm not Christian.

    Having said what I said, I'll admit that I do love the presents I'm getting from those who feel the need to buy gifts just so they can say, "I have to do some Christmas shopping." To which I say,...why only at Christmas? Make it a weekly event.

    Guy: Merry Christmas.
    Me: I'm not Christian.
    Guy: I have a present for you.
    Me: Thanks. It's also Hanukkah. I'm not Jewish but do I get a present for Hanukkah too?
    Guy: Err...OK. Here's your present. Happy Hanukkah.
    Me: Thanks. It's also Kwanza. Do I get a present for Kwanza?
    Guy: Err...I think you are missing the point here. You not getting the spirit of Christmas.
    Me: Maybe because I am not Christian.
    Guy: Then I want my presents back.
    Me: Go away.

    And I get the biggest kick from the snow thing. We are so hard up for that white Christmas that we are willing to fake it. I was at One Utama last weekend and they made fake snow from soap suds. Well, paint my nose red and call me Rudolph! First of all, soap suds? Secondly…soap suds?

    If we go on like this, I am afraid things will get worse and we become more pretentious. We will become like…..gasp….Singaporeans. More fake snow.

    By the way, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy Las Posadas.

    Monday, December 06, 2004

    There are a few things I do not understand in life. One that keeps me up some nights is Kylie Minogue's ass. What is the big deal with Kylie Minogue's ass? You read it everywhere about her ass being the nicest in the world. I don't get it. Sure, I'd do her but it doesn't change the fact that I think she has the body of a seven-year-old under-nourished albino Ethiopian.

    To put it another way: Kylie Minogue has no ass.

    Of course, this is just my opinion.

    Therefore I am left to conclude that it's all marketing. There is nothing creatively compelling or of creative substance when it comes to Kylie Minogue. Clearly, they couldn't highlight her voice. And damn, I've seen more breast on a snack plate at KFC which means they certainly couldn't highlight her chest either. So we're left with her boney white ass.

    Maybe all that black booty in rap videos have warped my sensibilities.

    Tuesday, November 23, 2004

    I was watching the new DVD edition of "Return Of The Jedi". As with the millions of other young men around the world, I probably had my first intergalactic erection when I saw Princess Leia in the gold bikini. But today, it hit me. While it might work for me, why would Jabba the Hutt be turned on by Princess Leia in a gold bikini? Is a woman in a gold bikini a universal turn-on? And I mean that in a cosmic sense.

    We are talking about inter-species attraction here. I am not even sure how that works. To put it in perspective, it's like me getting turned on by a shaved poodle.

    If anything, I would think Jabba would want to eat her or watch her get squashed by the Rancor (monster..big..ugly...canivore.) But no, he puts her in a gold bikini. What's up with that George?

    My mother gave birth to me on this day 33 years and one day ago.

    I did what I do every year on my birthday. I called my mom to wish her happy birthday since she was the one who actually did the act of birthing. As I always say, she did all the work. I just showed up. Therefore, our mothers deserve the birthday wishes as much as us.

    Anyway, I thanked my mom for allowing me hang out in her uterus for nine months until she felt it was time to squeeze me out of her vagina.

    My sister did this dinner thing for me by inviting a bunch of her friends to my place to break in the couch. Cheryl got me a badly-needed coffee table for the living room which I didn't even noticed until she called to tell me about it. And thanks to my sister, I now have Astro which will only add to my list of things to do.

    Other than that, I got flooded with SMSes which was exactly what I needed! Screw the material things! My friends REALLY know what I want. SMSes for my birthday! I apologise if I did not reply to your SMSes as I was too engrossed savouring this special unique moment.

    Which brings me to my next soapbox topic. Why do people bother with SMS greetings? I had a similar predicament recently during Hari Raya. I have many friends celebrating Hari Raya. I called a few to wish them but some I didn't feel compelled to but on the other hand, felt like I needed to. So, I go into deep thought.

    Say I send this friend an SMS. He receives it, possibly with the other tens of SMSes from other so-called well-wishers. He reads the SMS, perhaps incur the expense of replying with a "thank you", and then deletes the message.

    This person is not going to walk away with a warm fuzzy feeling after reading my SMS. He might think, I am a cheap and lazy bastard who not only thinks he am not good enough for a phone call but I've decided to inflict the inconvenience of an clearing out his phone's inbox of SMSes which will not affect his life one way or another.

    If this person is like me, I am telling you, it's a bloody pain in the ass! And I wonder why I have no friends!?!

    So, I decided not to send SMSes during Hari Raya. Except to Izham. And Firhad. And that other guy.

    Anyway, Happy Birthday Mom!

    Monday, November 22, 2004

    November 25 is Thanksgiving.

    I wonder if our local, erm...how would one politely put it ...fools will count down (four, TREE, two, one) at 11.59 pm on November 24 and celebrate Thanksgiving in Bangsar. Why not? After all, they did the Halloween thing and I doubt if anyone of these "alcoholics-in-progess-American-envy-Man-In-Black-wannabe" know anything about Halloween.

    But if there is an American holiday we'd want to hijack and try to make it relevant in Malaysia, it would think it should be Thanksgiving. Not literally but in spirit. Perhaps the turkey and the Mayflower just isn't cool enough for us.

    Sunday, November 21, 2004

    Why do so many Malaysians say "tree" instead of "tHree"?

    "Tree" is an organic stump of wood with leaves.

    "T-H-ree" is a number between 2 and 4.

    So, when you count, it's ONE, TWO, T-H-REE....and not ONE, TWO, TREE.

    Repeat after me...T-H-ree.

    Tuesday, November 09, 2004

    A great number of my friends have babies now. I am about the only one from my school year who is still sans child. So when I visit with my friends, I would get my fix of that baby smell. Which led me to the conclusion that this "baby smell" that we all like is really the smell of fresh and new human organs. Of course, when I phrase it that way, Jini disagrees. There you have it. Want to know what the smell of new skin, new lungs, new liver, new spleen is like? Smell a baby.

    Speaking of smelling nice...did I mention that Ning Baizura is such a cool person. We recorded another song a few days ago. It was almost a shot-gun production. Everything was a rush. Honestly, I had doubts about the song when I first worked on it but when she opened her mouth to sing it, it sounded a googlezillion times better. The pressure cooker started on Friday and I finished last night at 4 in the a.m. and it works and I love it. Go buy the album.

    Speaking of pressure, I bought THREE melon-type...err..melons two weeks ago. I don't know what I was thinking. A honey dew, a some other kind of dew melon thing, and a watermelon. Apparently, my shopping strategy of buying clothes, that is to buy a few of the same shirt that I like so I don't have to try on too many shirts, do not work with melons. Can you imagine the pressure of having to eat three melons? Which led me to ponder about the watermelon. What happens when you keep a watermelon for a long long time? And I am talking about months. Would the water dry out and you are left with just melon? Plain melon without water. Then would it become a watermelon again if I added water? I digress. Anyway, I ate an entire watermelon today. My entire body system is extremely volatile right now. I have an entire watermelon the size of a newborn baby in my system.

    Speaking of babies...A great number of my friends have babies now. I am about the only one from my school year who is still sans child. So when I visit with my friends, I would get my fix of that baby smell. Which led me to the conclusion that this "baby smell" that we all like is really the smell of fresh and new human organs. Of course, when I phrase it that way, Jini disagrees. There you have it. Want to know what the smell of new skin, new lungs, new liver, new spleen is like? Smell a baby.

    Speaking of smelling nice...did I mention that Ning Baizura is such a cool person. We recorded another song a few days ago. It was almost a shot-gun production. Everything was a rush. Honestly, I had doubts about the song when I first worked on it but when she opened her mouth to sing it, it sounded a googlezillion times better. The pressure cooker started on Friday and I finished last night at 4 in the a.m. and it works and I love it. Go buy the album.

    Speaking of pressure, I bought THREE melon-type...err..melons two weeks ago. I don't know what I was thinking. A honey dew, a some other kind of dew melon thing, and a watermelon. Apparently, my shopping strategy of buying clothes, that is to buy a few of the same shirt that I like so I don't have to try on too many shirts, do not work with melons. Can you imagine the pressure of having to eat three melons? Which led me to ponder about the watermelon. What happens when you keep a watermelon for a long long time? And I am talking about months. Would the water dry out and you are left with just melon? Plain melon without water. Then would it become a watermelon again if I added water? I digress. Anyway, I ate an entire watermelon today. My entire body system is extremely volatile right now. I have an entire watermelon the size of a newborn baby in my system.

    Made you look.

    Friday, November 05, 2004

















    Parking = RM2.50.

    Deep Fried Fish In Soya Sauce = RM60.

    Cashier's Nuts = Priceless. No wait....it's RM3.

    Friday, October 29, 2004

    OK. Stand back. I am about to do some power-blogging here.

    It is one of those instances where so much has happened, yet nothing much has happened at the same time. Sound like some pretentious zen crap but it’s true. I’ve been working (if I can call it that) and keeping busy. Anita Baker finally released a new album and I got a copy at Tower Records at KLCC, which I believe, has the dumbest people on the planet working for them. I also bought the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD from amazon.com. Paid RM195 for it and it retails for RM299 at Speedy Video. So, it’s true. You do save at amazon.com.

    When the DVDs arrived, I immediately popped it into my DVD player. It didn’t play. I guessed as much because I’ve always had problems with this piece of crap Pioneer. It won’t play some of the special features, which to me, is the only reason why one should buy a DVD. And I’ve been putting off getting a new one. But Star Wars did it for me. I went out the next day to get a new one. A Philips which not only plays DVDs but also Divx video. Now I can play the stuff I download off the Internet on my TV.

    Lightning screwed up my wireless router too. I bought a new one, NetGear, which is much better than the D-Link I had.

    Why are you still reading this? How could this possibly be interesting to you?

    I visited my grandmother last weekend. She is weaker. Can’t see as well. Can’t hear as well. She just looks lonely and bored. And that weekend, she did not recognise me. She didn’t know who I was. It made me wonder how she lives her day. Is it a new day for her every day? Or does she get confused when she sees all these people around her that she does not recognise. I talked to a friend about this and she told me of this lady who is in her 80s. She is blind. Can’t do much and can’t take care of herself. And every day she is asking that God take her “home”. Of course, this sort of thing, especially after a meal, I start to ponder on my own mortality. And when you start to ponder on this sort of thing…something you don’t usually ponder…you wonder why. Then you start asking about the meaning of life. When I do that, I getting hungry and I need a snack.

    Since Malaysian Idol got done, it has been quiet. A lot of drama on this front. And in all honesty, it has been one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever witnessed behind the scenes. You can tell that the whole thing has been a waste when no one cares now. There is no excitement or anticipation that Jaclyn Victor is the Malaysian Idol.

    Again, why are you reading this?

    A few days ago, it started pouring. I received a call from the production house I work with and they wanted a new version of the music for a Celcom commercial I did. That “gimme gimme gimme what I want” song is mine. I wrote that embarrassing piece of work. I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Celcom was offering 5-sen SMSes. Recently, Digi offered 3-sen SMSes. And now, Celcom is coming back with something which I can’t say now but it is sensitive and senseless for me to mention. But anyone with some common sense will make a logical reduction…err, I mean, deduction as to what Celcom will do.

    On top of that, I had another call for another commercial. Goody. Then shortly after that call, Warner Music calls asking for another song for Ning. I felt so loved. And the cherry on top of all that was my meeting with Arthur and Gene that evening, which did not leave me with much time to do anything.

    We went to Prego at Westin. It was a nice restaurant with good food. We had drinks at Qba before dinner. By the time we actually went to dinner, I was already half-drunk from my pitcher of margarita, which Gene tells me was only three sips. Then we add the wine at dinner and I was in a state where I could have been sexually taken advantage of. I really need to start drinking more. I am such a pussy.

    Then we had our 8 am meeting the day after. I slept at about 5 am and set the alarm for 7 am. Somehow, I woke up at 6.30 am. I walked to the bathroom, emulsified some hair gel and put it on my head of hair. Then I realised it was still early and I went back to bed. Right when my head revisited my pillow, the Gods and my innerself went, “What the fuck was that all about?”

    Anyway, we head out to Corus Hotel near the KLCC for our meeting. The drive there was painful because of traffic. What usually would have taken 20 minutes took 60 minutes. After the 30th minute, I was thankful to the good Lord that I do not have to do this every day. My commute was walking across the hall. I will never complain about my work again.

    Then something someone said to me awhile ago struck me.

    “Not everyone can be as lucky as you and work from home and have flexible time.”

    At the moment, I didn’t respond. But after thinking about it, I think I do have a response.

    To quote a great Jedi master Obiwan Kenobi, “There is no such thing as luck.”

    And I agree.

    You see, every one has the right to work from home and work on their own hours. But not many want it bad enough. We all have bills to pay and we find a way. But some do it on their own terms and some give in and take jobs for the security. And the one thing that drives me and motivates me to have to make this self-employment thing work out for me is that…drum roll please….I am just one lazy motherfucker. I can’t wake up too early. I hate heavy traffic. I hate having to report to someone whom I think is an idiot. Oh yes, I love the regular paycheck, the water cooler, and the infinite supply of A4 paper and other wonderful office supplies. But I love being lazy more. Which is actually is really ironic because I am now working harder than I did when I had a “real job”.

    So why I say that luck isn’t involved here is because I am thinking, as far as work goes, there is usually always more work required than people providing good work. Yes, a lot of people will do it but how many people are doing the work that they are not supposed to be doing? Therefore, if you do what you do consistently well, you will eventually find work. If you are not out there, you will not have the chance to find work.

    Luck is when there are 200 million people and you hold the winning lottery ticket. Luck is when you are standing in a line at waiting to take a piss and Angelina Jolie singles you to give her a good shag.

    I remember this guy back in college. He was this ugly-looking frat guy and I told him that I too wanted to join a fraternity so I can get laid more often seeing that he is always able to get lucky (looking the way he does). [Side note: The text in the parenthesis was what I said in my head.] And he told me, “I don’t think frat guys are any luckier than non-frat guys. The only difference is that frat guys have more opportunities given the number of parties they go to.”

    Therefore, the moral of the story here is, get out more. Be there.

    Now why I never applied this to my social life is beyond me.

    Thursday, October 14, 2004

    NetGear = Good

    D-Link = Bad

    If there is one brand you should stay away from, it is D-Link. Three words: Piece Of Shit.

    And I also recommend buying from the good people at C-Zone at Low Yat Plaza. Do not buy from the ugly people at View Net. Satanic bastards!

    It is unlike me to mock another human being.

    I was channel surfing and came across 8TV's "Latte At 8". Jason Lo has this middle-aged Malay guy as a guest. I didn't get his name nor what he did for a living. But one thing this guy stressed throughout the interview was how rich and great he was.

    "I don't actually invest in actual stocks. I leave that to fund managers. I give them my money and I tell them the returns I want. And I don't care what they do to get me the returns I want. If they can't do it, I fire them and get someone else to do it."

    This is what Fools call "stupidity". Personally, I prefer the term "fucking idiot".

    Here is a guy who is probably stupid to multiply the money he got from the government or as a kick back from some project he approved. So he gives the money to over-priced fund managers who will give fucking idiot the returns he wants, only after the fund managers have deducted huge commissions and retained all other excess returns above what idiot wants.

    Then the moron goes on national TV to tell the whole world how financially savvy he is. He should just staple a note that says "SCREW ME" on his forehead.

    Thursday, October 07, 2004

    My Star Wars Trilogy DVD Box Set finally arrived. I bought it from Amazon.com for about RM195 shipped with priority shipping. This same box set is sold at local stores for RM299.

    Monday, September 27, 2004

    I first went wireless when I was severed from my at the umbilical cord. And I haven't looked back since. With this afternoon's purchase of the Panasonic KX-TCD445ML Digital Cordless Answering System, I am now truly wireless at home. never have I been so excited over a low-technology purchase since my Black & Decker 7.2v Dustbuster. No more phone lines running across the living room and hallway. Besides surfing the web while I am on the crapper, I can now chat on the phone too. Bliss.

    If anybody calls, just say I am not at home.

    Tuesday, September 21, 2004

    It is the law. You must make a written request to the authorities should you want to have a child and include details of the person you will be replacing. You will be notified within 2-3 weeks upon your application whether you request has been granted.

    There are now 22 billion people in the world. People of the world has chosen popular communism because they needed to be told what to do. After 15000 years of civilisation, we have found the way to live forever. Doctors figured out how to have the heart beat and the brain grow forever. And cosmetics companies have perfected the anti-aging cream.

    But now, for every new birth, someone has to die. Someone has to be replaced. And that someone has to be a member of your immediate family.

    Tuesday, September 14, 2004

    It makes me wonder why the editor, director, or even the producers of Puteri Gunung Ledang, at some point, did not wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night and say, "Damn. I think the movie is too long!"

    It's a situation where the director has probably fallen in love with his own shots and can't bring it together to cut it out. It's all those long pans of horizons and close-ups of a flower in the rain. You know, the sort of thing you'd see in a YTL Lake Edge Puchong or Sentul West commercial, or "Dances With Wolves". Dude, two words for you: Director's Cut.


    It takes a lot for me to get so restless and want to walk out on a movie. But this one did it for me.

    Whatever the story that needed to be told, could have been done in one hour or 90 minutes tops. But they wanted to go for that epic status and dragged the thing for over two hours.

    I need to get this off my chest in case I die tomorrow.

    The first thing I noticed was that for a new film, it looked like it needed restoration. And secondly, the director's style clearly shows that he brought too much from his TV commercial days to the movie. It was either too fast like a music video or too slow. For instance, the fight scenes. I couldn't get a sense of space and where the characters were. I see them doing things but it has no perspective or depth. Too bad.

    And then all the actors looked too "clean". George Lucas had it right when he dirtied the set of Star Wars to make it look aged and used. This movie desperately needed that treatment.

    Then there's that make up. Was there an oversupply of make up foundation on the set and they had a quota to fulfill?

    It was a good effort. But not good enough. And I hate the fact that I had to pay RM10 and wasted an hour of my life that I will never get back!

    Monday, September 06, 2004

    One thing I noticed about us Malaysians is that we complain a lot. And usually to the wrong people. In other words, we usually complain to the people that don't want to hear it. For instance, if you are upset with the your co-worker, you won't bring up these feelings with the person who is causing you the grief. Instead, you're likely to keep it in and then bring it up over lunch with people you actually like enough to want to have lunch with. What makes you think they want to hear your piddly squawk? Just making conversation, right?

    But boy, do we complain. We whine and complain. No solutions but man...do we know how to complain. And in my case right now, I am complaining about complaining.

    Me: Hey. How are you today?

    Dude #1: Aiyo man. The usual lah. I tell you. I hate my boss. He doesn't know what he is doing...that stupid Chinaman. Can die. He's always changing his mind. One minute he wants to do this, and then the next, he wants to do something else. How can? Where got people work like this one? If everyone just listens to me then we won't have any problems. Anyway...what about you?

    How did we get this way? I suppose it's human nature to want to moan and groan about everything. It's easier to be negative than to be positive. Don't get me wrong. I still want to bitch-slap Julie Andrews back to the hills that are alive with the sound of music. But doesn't it come to a point in time when you just want the other person to shut the hell up? Isn't it enough?

    How much of what we hear in a day is really useful or pleasant? On the flip side, how much of what we say in a day is really useful or are we just complaining like the other person?

    Again, it's not that I just got laid or someone gave me a puppy. No warm fuzzy feelings going on here.

    So, do the world a favour. Stop complaining. If you are in a bad situation and if you have to talk to someone about it, by all means, do it. But say whatever you have to say in three minutes or less. And then please have a solution at the end of that three minutes. If you go on without resolve, then you are complaining. At that point, you should then look for a sharp pointy object. Heat it and rub the object with salt and vinegar. And then stab it into your left eye. Now you can complain.

    Having said all this, I may have the answer as to why we complain so much. I think if we actually did not complain, whine, moan, and groan, we'd have nothing to say.

    Now, go ahead and circulate this in the email. It might actually do some good.

    In my efforts of creating a better Malaysia, consider this before you complain about our country and its leaders. Although I do wish I had "bare-breasted young women, who are supposed to be virgins", dance for me.

    Swazi King Picks 16-year-old Girl as 12th Wife

    MBABANE (AFP) - Swazi King Mswati III, Africa's last absolute monarch, has picked a 16-year-old girl as his new wife, bringing to 12 the number of official spouses, sources in the royal household said.

    A source confirmed a report in the Times newspaper that said the teenager was a Miss Teen Swaziland finalist who took part in the annual reed dance last week when bare-breasted young women, who are supposed to be virgins, dance for the king.

    The source said that the 16-year-old girl underwent blood tests to determine whether she was HIV positive and that she was expected to receive the royal blessing of the queen mother before being unveiled as the king's new bride at the weekend.

    Swaziland has the world's highest per capita rate of HIV infection at 38.8 percent in the kingdom of 1.1 million people, according to UN estimates.

    Friday, September 03, 2004

    Never Hurts To Know

    Loud Music Can Cause Lung Collapse
    Thu Sep 2,10:17 AM ET
    By Amy Norton

    NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Blasting music can be hard on the ears and the neighbors, and now researchers say it can also pack enough punch to collapse a lung.

    Reporting in the medical journal Thorax, they describe the cases of four young men who suffered a lung collapse -- technically called pneumothorax --that appeared to be triggered by loud music. Three of the men were at a concert or club when the pneumothorax occurred, while the fourth was in his car, which was outfitted with a 1,000-watt bass box because he "liked to listen to loud music."

    OMG! What a shocker! There is a journal called THORAX. How excitation!

    Wednesday, September 01, 2004

    Every other month or so, I get a wild hair up my butt and I go grocery shopping. I will load up and go nuts with fresh fruits and vegetables, all kinds of meat products, milk, and Vitagen. My inside of my fridge looks like a promo photo for the fridge's brochure. Give it a week or two, it will still look like that promo photo...only now, someone wiped his ass with that brochure after a severe case of diahrea. (Right now you're thinking, was that necessary?!)

    It's that time of the month and I went grocery shopping. As usual, I ask myself this very question whenever I shop for myself. I've thought of this many times before and am still wondering why hasn't anyone done this.

    A grocery store for single people.

    I live by myself. I am not feeding an army. I do not need 15 bananas to rippen all at once and then feel the pressure to eat all of them and go on a pottasium-high. I just want three bananas just to keep me regular.

    So, why can't we have a store that sells perishables in smaller portions?

    Bread by the slice. Half the orange juice. Half that head of lettuce. Half the bottle of wine. And they won't look at you funny when you ask for three slices of bacon, or ask for one chicken thigh, or three bananas.

    Somebody....please. They can help?

    Tuesday, August 31, 2004

    It's Merdeka! Hey babes! You are 47!

    As usual, on August 30, people every where being overcharged for drinks while waiting for the seconds before midnight just so they can show their gift of counting backwards to zero. What's this thing with Malaysians and counting down?

    I particularly found it funny when people went around calling me or messaging me wishing me "Happy Merdeka Day" like I had anything to do with it. Perhaps I am being the cynical Malaysian and I am missing out of the festivities (?).

    But let me share this story with you that shows what being Malaysian is all about.

    As I was driving home from BK's BBQ last night, there were cars parked along the side of the road that leads to my apartment building. Because my apartment is on a hill, these scene-freeloaders would stake out at these roads as early as 9 pm just so they can get a 180-view of the fireworks display that goes on. You can see the KLCC, the Bukit Jalil Stadium, and some Type 3 Chinese fireworks action going on at Cheras which looks like men throwing Christmas tree lights up in the air.

    But back to my story. So, it's usually a crawl back to my apartment building because of these damn cars. Strangely, this time, it was worse than usual. I drive up a bit and I see a large gathering of people. Something must have happened. Fight? Accident? Sex show by the people who are hawking Tongkat Ali? A bug?

    I have to be cool right? I park my car at my designated-spot in my apartment building and walk out to the mob. I make my way into the nucleus of the crowd. Lo and behold. A woman on the floor. Legs apart. Screaming. In pain. It took two seconds to see that this woman was either celebrating our independence with her very special brand of noise, or the Discovery Channel was doing a special on women who yell out loud in pain on the streets of Malaysia. Or she was in labour.

    Talk about your bad day to go out for a walk.

    People around was in a quiet panic. You will occassionally hear "the ambulance is on the way" in various dialects and language in response to the "someone call the hospital". A few men, were on the ground with her comforting her. She was Malay. Her husband was with her but mostly on the phone calling for help. Apparently, they can't get to their car because of wanton double parking. One look at her situation, you wouldn't want her in your car either.

    Still, there were a few Chinese men, and an Indian "jaga kereta" man who somehow managed to make her a little more comfortable with the towels and blankets he whipped out from his make-shift collection booth. This was an opportunity for me. Now I can do what I've always wanted to do.

    With all my strength, I yelled out what I've always wanted to say but never had the chance to until now. This is my destiny.

    "Move back! Give the woman some air!"

    Words I've been longing to say, right after "Move along! There is nothing to see."

    If at all possible, to cut a long story short, the three muhibbah men delivered the baby seconds after midnight with the help of the emergency personnel. There was a feeling of patriotism that moment the newborn cried amidst the light and sound of systematic combustion of gun powder across the city. It was beautiful.

    And because my pizza is here, the woman decided to name her baby boy, Merdeka. Now that's one name to look out for in 20 years if there is a case of a man gone amuk in the streets of KL.

    Then we all had cake.

    Friday, August 27, 2004

    Bad accents is one thing. But it looks like I have a new peeve.

    I realise that Malaysians have no idea what it sounds like to speak well. To many, speaking well means speaking with an accent. Screw the grammar. As long as I have an accent (which I call "slang"), I will sound cool.

    But I digress. Now, about my new peeve.

    What's up with people who go around calling other people "babes" or "sweetie"?

    "Can you get me that dodol, sweetie?"

    "Hey babes. That is so not funny." *kiss kiss*

    Since when did we get so Euro? Or is it one too many episodes of Friends?

    Don't these Jennifer Aniston-wanna-be hacks realise how ridiculous they sound? Or maybe it's just me. It's probably just me coz I'm keepin' it real and I ain't not frontin' yo. So to all you out thur fakin' it, I'm out. Peace n respect.

    Tuesday, August 24, 2004

    Nothing funny today. I just feel the need to write. Move along now. There is nothing to read.

    I actually went to bed last night before 1 am. That's a breakthrough for me. And I woke up before 9 am. Another breakthrough. (Is "breakthrough" one or two words?)

    Anyway, I was exhausted. That Ning song is done. At least I thought so until I get a call from Ning's manager, Vernon who tells me that there might be complications because one of the words used in the lyrics do not exist. So, ladies and gentlemen, the word "kotai" from the root word "kota" (as in "to fulfill") does NOT exist. There was some major drama there.

    I am so glad that Ning and the Warner people like the song enough to make it the first single! Weeeeeeeee. Not only that. Ning will be performing that song at this year's Anugerah Era and will be backed by the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra. Funny story.

    Vernon: Hey Audi! Ning will be performing your song at Anugerah Era and she will be backed by the MPO.

    Me: What's MPO?

    Vernon: Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra la.

    Me: Shouldn't that be MPOL?

    Vernon: *brief silence* Anyway, MPO is backing Ning up and we need you to do the orchestration. Can you do it?

    Me: *restraining excitement* Oh sure. No problem.

    Vernon: Great thanks. Make sure you have the score ready.

    As I hung up, I suddenly remembered that I am musically illiterate. I don't read or write music. So, how in hell am I supposed to know how to write parts for a 150-piece orchestra? Funny right? Didn't I tell ya?

    Anyway, back to the thing with Ning in the evening. We will be doing another version of the song which I can't talk about right now. But I hope this song gets big for her. I'd hate to be known as the guy who destroyed her career by releasing my song as her first single. Tension.

    And then there's my blog entry that is making its round in the email circuit. I actually found it on a few other blogs. These people are shameless. You gotta be pretty pathetic to rip off another person's BLOG ENTRY. Go steal a car or money! But a blog entry?

    So who wants to touch me now?

    NOTE: "Orchestration" is the musical arrangement to be played by an orchestra ie what the cellos play, what the violin plays etc. It is not conducting.

    Thursday, August 19, 2004

    My Prayer Answered (Sorta)

    So I wake up today and head down to Low Yat Plaza. I was really nice all morning. Didn't give the finger to that nice gentleman who cut me off on the road.

    As expected, it was the power supply. I replaced it with a really cool overpriced one. Then I bought a 120 GB external hard disk.

    Whenever I tell this story, or another story relating to computer failure, I noticed the general quick response question the other person would ask is "Did you back up your data?" My shooting-from-the-hip answer would be "Of course not you ninny. If I did, would my balls be shrinking like they are now?"

    I do backup although not often enough.

    Anyway, the past 12 hours have shortened my life by a few hours. My balls are a little smaller now. But I can't complain. I want to thank God and the Academy for my quick (and expensive) rebound.

    If anyone out there needs help in installing Windows or removing spyware, please let me know. Until then, you all have a nice day now.


    Oh Help Me Lord

    As I make this blog entry, I am praying to the Gods of the digital and spiritual world to heal my PC. Please let it be nothing more than a faulty power supply. If you heal my PC, I promise I will be a lot nicer to people and will help at least one person with the installation of Windows XP and/or help remove viruses/spyware/adware.

    Please....heal my PC. I also promise that I will get an external drive for data back up. Please heal my PC. Let things work again. PLEASE. Let all my data be there as I send my PC to the lovely men and women at Low Yat Plaza who carry out work on your behalf. Please give them the power to heal my PC.

    If you don't, I am getting a Mac. Just kidding. Please heal my PC.

    With this, I submit and await patiently. (You have 12 hours.) Let the healing begin.

    Saturday, August 07, 2004

    I have this "staying up too late" problem. I'd like to think it's has something to do with me being a morning baby or is it the other way round. I would love to sleep early and rise early but I seem to be most productive at night. Besides, my computer and audio equipment looks better at night. I am open to suggestions on how I can remedy this situation. I can't go on like this forever.

    I finally downloaded Fahrenheit 9/11.

    There's this Italian restaurant in Ikano, the shopping mall attached to IKEA at Mutiara Damansara. It's called Fasta Pasta. Do yourself a favour. Do NOT eat there. The food sucks and the whole concept of sitting down, getting a menu, and then walking to the cashier to place your order and then have them tell you that's why they don't have a 10% service charge is just plain dumb. I am paying RM25 for pasta. An additional RM2.50 is not going to break my bank just so I can enjoy my food and not have to work for it. It's NOT the place to bring a date. It's NOT the place to bring anyone because the food just plain sucks.

    I do like the pasta at Dave's at One Utama. It's the restaurant opposite Burger King.

    And then there's this Japanese restaurant on the ground floor of Ikano. That's sucks too. Don't go there.

    Tuesday, July 27, 2004

    I love TPC eggs and I am proud to support a business from my hometown, Melaka. It is the original "lower cholesterol egg with no harmful residues." While the normal egg has 230 mg of cholesterol, your TPC egg has 40-70% less cholesterol. Thus reducing the probability of a heart attack by 40-70%. If you need more convincing, see how you can hold your TPC egg yolk like a nut sack, or perhaps, a breast complete with the nipple.


    Thursday, July 22, 2004

    Q: Hey...how have you been?

    A: I am going to bed tonight and wake up when I want to wake up! I've not had a decent night's sleep since Sunday since they announced the first set of three finalists for Malaysian Idol. I started recording Tuesday and only got notice of the songs on Monday...THE DAY BEFORE. And we are talking about THREE songs. So I had to prepare the music for three songs in less than 24 hours. Thankfully, one of the songs is "Pernah" which meant I didn't have to learn the song. But it also means I will be producing this song for the third flippin' time in the past two years by three different singers!

    But tonight, I shall sleep and sleep I shall.

    Oh yeah. Don't pee against the wind.

    Saturday, July 10, 2004

    I recorded Ning Baizura today. She is such a nice cool chick. Nothing like what the media has made her out to be. And she is hot too! I wish I took pictures. Sometimes I wish I could just be a fan.

    No wait. I take that back. I make more money this way.

    I want to talk about something very special to me. Perhaps, misunderstood and unappreciated. I am talking about the most successful German pop duo, Modern talking.

    I managed to get my paws on Modern Talking's The Final Album: The Ultimate VCD. Yes, audio AND video all in a convenient package of two compact discs.

    One look at the track listing and I was surprised that I know so many of their songs. And man, they had a lot of songs. As with Mariah Carey songs, I somehow know the words. What's up with that?

    But the words of Modern Talking are indeed deep. It has so many levels and every man, woman, and child can learn from their wise words. It teaches us to be dependent on others ("You're My Heart, Your My Soul") but at the same time telling us that we can win if we want ("You Can Win If You Want"). Reminds us to respect members of our family ("Brother Louie") while exploring foreign society and culture ("Cheri Cheri Lady", "Geronimo's Caddilac", "China In Her Eyes", "Atlantis Is Calling" and "Last Exit To Brooklyn"). Of course, it promotes respect for women ("Sexy Sexy Lover") and world peace ("Give Me Peace On Earth").

    Let's not forget the look they had in the 80s that had Liberace accussing Modern Talking of looking too gay.

    God Bless Modern Talking.

    Thursday, July 01, 2004

    Evidently, the greetings I've been getting lately is "Why haven't you updated your blog?". No more "Hi! How ya doin'" or "Hey...wanna fuck?" Just straight to the point: "Why haven't you updated your blog?" or more specifically, "how you never update your blog one?"

    I would, of course, give my standard "busy la" reply when what I really want to say is "Why haven't YOU updated YOUR blog?" or "Where is YOUR blog?"

    But that doesn't mean I do not appreciate the eight people who read and enjoy my blog. It's always nice when people compliment on your blog. But I tell you what is even better than compliments. Here are a few suggestions that you may use to motivate me to update my blog:

    1. You may call and say something like "Hi Audi. I noticed you have not updated your blog. Would it be much of an incentive to you if I transfered RM50 into your Maybank account via Maybank2u.com?" or,

    2. You may call and say somethign like "Hi Audi. I noticed you have not updated your blog. Would it be much of an incentive to you if I came over yrou place and tuned your meat whistle will you update your blog?" *

    I need creative motivations like that. So, when you call to ask if I have updated my blog, by all means, make it interesting.

    * This option is only available to females between 17-35 years old.

    Here is something new I found out at 2.30 in the morning. As a result of being sexually frustrated, I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I pulled out a cucumber and then I realised I am a guy and had absolutely no use for it other than to eat it.

    I did what I had to do and make cucumber sticks. Well, technically, I did not make cucumber sticks. I cut them into sticks. Then it hit me. Damn! I did not do that cucumber thing that mom used to do, which is to cut of the tip of the cucumber and then rub the tip to the rest of the cucumber until it starts to foam. Otherwise, the cucumber would be bitter. Sorta like having a circumcision go wrong.

    But to my surprised, the cucumber was not bitter. It was like...regular.

    While munching on my cucumber fashioned after little sticks, I thought about the advancements in food technology. No more bitter cucumbers. This is great.

    Now, don't go leaving me comments saying how healthy I am. I had nothing else in the fridge to eat, except if you count that half cube of chicken stock.

    Tuesday, June 01, 2004

    I was hungry. I open my refrigerator. I see this little golden cube amongst my Kit Kat bar on the side door of the fridge. Hmmm...this must be that caramel fudge chocolate thing Pam brought over. I open the gold wrapper. Must be the fudge. Put it in my mouth. It's not fudge. It's chicken stock. Chicken in a cube. The essence of a chicken. It's not fudge.

    Now, I am one step closer to saying "I've done it all!"

    It's not fudge!

    Thursday, May 20, 2004















    Another reason why Malacca is the place to be!

    Thursday, May 13, 2004

    Can of Processed Pork

    Bill Gates says that spam will not be an issue in a few years. I was hopefully optimistic until I noticed recent trends. I get about 200 spam messages a day in my "public email address" and increasingly, I've been getting my spam in Chinese. So, perhaps spam in English will slow down....to make way for spam in Chinese. There are, after all, all this people in China and you know how resourceful ferkin' Chinese people are.

    It will be interesting to see what they sell. Probably the same as English spam. Viagra...but probably called Viagla. Definitely China-made penis enlarger. Perhaps, pickled fetus in herbal lotus seed paste. That will be interesting. For a while.

    And then there's spam in my blog comments. I actually get spam in my comment boxes on this blog. Yes. What is this world coming to?


    I was in the middle of this phone conversation. Out of the blue, the person on the other line says "I gotta trim my pubic hair."

    The next thing that crosses my mind is "where is this woman's free hand?" assuming the other is holding the phone. Oh yes, the other thing that did cross my mind is exactly how long is this woman's pubic hair that warrants her to notice that it needs trimming. I've been so out of touch with these things since I stopped watching "Pubic Hair Today" on the Discovery Channel. I really should get Astro.

    This whole incident reminded me of the time when I was seeing this person many many years ago while I was still in college. I was always the one doing the talking on the phone. And I'd talk about really mundane stuff that would make the weather report sound interesting. And eventually when we did start to date, she told me that during those times when I was telling her why nuclear fission is critical in finding the solution of alternative energy, she was actually getting off. What's up with that?

    Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no issues with women wanting to touch themselves while on the phone with me. I encourage it as long as I am not related to this person or if this person is not over the age of 35.

    So this is where I do that Carrie Bradshaw thing in "Sex And The City" and type...

    Do women enjoy touching themselves while on the phone or did I put too much salt in my Sangria?

    OK. I'll admit that the line didn't work out as well as how it'd be on TV but you get the picture.

    Time to get on with my life.

    And in other news, Tan Ter Seeng, 20, is seeking out a career in the police force after being inspired by the "Bad Boys" movie.

    Someone should tell Tan about the RM800 per month salary and oh yeah...he doesn't get to drive a Porche or get a smart-talking black partner like Will Smith's character did in "Bad Boys".

    But you know he is going to make it seeing that he is one of the only two Chinese who applied. And look at him. He has "phuck face" written all over him. And you know he would be the type to use his badge to get girls.

    So, if the police recruitment people are reading this, don't get this guy. He is in it for the glamour. And also, I love you.

    Having said all that, I am looking at the bright side and giving thanks that he didn't decide to join the police force after watching the "Polica Academy" movies.

    Tomorrow's headlines: Local Blogger Gets Summons Backdating Ten Years After Controversial Blog Entry.

    The headline on yesterday's Star newspaper read "Tougher Laws To Fight Sex Crime." Another one: "Be Proactive In Combating Threats From Hackers." This one: "Najib: Strengthen Unity Among Youth."

    Is it me or does the newspapers have this knack for stating the obvious? Or perhaps it's their way of irreverance; stating the obvious to show that the headline makers have this knack for stating the obvious.

    Tougher laws to fight sex crimes? No way! You don't say! Be proactive in combating threats from hackers. Get out of here! Strengthen unity among youth. You don't say. But just the youth. The older ones can screw it. We don't need unity there.

    "Don’t Delay Land Application"

    Yes, since prior to this, it was delayed until they were given the directive to not delay.

    Ensure Education Premises Are Safe, Kayveas Urges Operators"

    Prior to this, education premises were minefields and death traps.

    PM: Malaysians Must Master English To Compete Globally

    No way. You think? But if you do speak English, please don't do it with that Malay accent you hear so often in radio ads. I think it's annoying and you should be shot.

    Saturday, May 08, 2004

    Here's a visual you don't want.

    Your mother's boob is the first boob you've sucked on. So, whenever you guys or lesbian women make a list of all the boobs you've had, add another to the list.

    Talk about your verbal birth control. I may never look at tits the same way again.

    Sunday, May 02, 2004

    Maybe I do not say it enough but you gotta love the Malaysian censorship board. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything or else I'll jinx it.

    I am actually watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" on 8TV.

    In case you don't know, it's about five gay men who apparently have style and taste built into their DNA, who will make a sloppy straight guy look cool.

    And in case you missed it, it has gay men on the show.

    I am all for it but I can't help seeing how ignorant and close-minded the Malaysian censors are. They took "Ellen" off the air when Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet. And this was even before the character came out of the closet. And they also took "Will & Grace" off the air.

    But they allow Queer Eye. Clearly they don't know the whole queer thing or perhaps the censor dude can't stay up that late to catch the show.

    In any case, it's time for me to soak my toothbrush in mouthwash to remove any germs and bacteria that may have taken residence in the bristles.

    Saturday, May 01, 2004

    Under circumstances beyond my control, I went to Zouk in Kuala Lumpur. Yet another interesting experience for me when witnessing the fine specimen of Malaysian society.

    Maybe I am getting old. But the only thing louder than the ear-bleedingly loud music is the laughter I hear in my head. Laughter from the owners of Zouk, sitting in their quiet homes somewhere laughing their asses off that there are these dumb people paying money to yell at each other in the name of conversation.

    But tonight, several things were made clear to me.

    For starters, people go such clubs to have a good time. And by "good times," it means having that person removed from his or her reality, even if its for a few hours. Hence, you have that hypnotic rave music that goes on and on. And for you to really accept the musical assault, you need alcohol and drugs. Otherwise you will just be a moron allowing your hearing to prematurely deteriorate without a cause. But with alcohol and drugs, you are on a totally different planet!

    Secondly, I was disappointed. There is nothing cool about Zouk, except the way they have their restrooms divided for two groups of people: Macintosh users and Windows users. Or at least that's what I think the M and W stand for.

    Other than that, there is absolutely nothing cool about the place. No cool decor. No fancy lighting or interior. Nothing made me go "Wow, that's cool!" Either the Singaporean owners think that the Zouk name is enough to draw the crowd or Malaysian clubbers are too dumb to know any better. I have a feeling its both.

    Frankly, I don't see what's the big deal with Zouk. Inside, it looks like any other old club from the early 90s to me. Dark, nicotine-fortified smoke hanging in the air, that one old uncle who dances like he has a hair brush wedged up his ass, and a room filled mostly with shiny people with no money trying to act cool. And of course, I am quite sure I am impotent with all that exposure to black light. My God man! Black light? Are we still in the 80s?

    Anyway, now I can say I've been to Zouk. The only excuse I have is that I had to suspend logic and became stupid. (There's this girl, see?)

    Wednesday, April 28, 2004

    The Relenting Force Of Nature

    I had dinner at this Chinese restaurant this evening with some very interesting people. So interesting that one of the them will be carrying the Olympic torch in Athens in July. Apparently, Samsung is paying US$10,000 for him to run 300 metres with a fiery torch. Made me feel like an underachiever.

    Back to the interesting dinner. I saw a sea cucumber today. That was interesting. The restaurant manager, for whatever reason, brought out this FUCKING HUGE raw sea cucumber. Perhaps he thought it would be of interest to some of us at the table who were not local. Instead, it backfired and grossed the Type 1s out.

    Let me talk more about the sea cucumber.

    This is what a sea cucumber looks like.

    So, in my uneducated, unrefined, and uncultured mind, I am asking myself, what in the name of Mary, the Holy Mother of God, would posses a person to want to eat it. (Of course, number one, this person must be Chinese.)

    First of all, the sea cucumber is an animal. It's not a vegetable as I had originally thought. Secondly, when it's dead and skinned, it looks like a FUCKING HUGE intestine right after a major bowel movement. And thirdly, it smells like a FUCKING HUGE intestine right after a major bowel movement.

    And why the heck not!

    According to the Darwin Foundation, the sea cucumbers constantly churn up sediments, and allowing the oxygenation of other species. They feed upon small algae particles, sand, and waste materials. In this way, they become recyclers of the nutrients, contributing to the rich marine environment.

    And then Chinese people pay tons of money to eat it.

    You can tell from my expletives that I am just fucking shaken by the whole fucking experience!

    Anyway, I just had to write about this. I just don't understand how these things come about. I will probably figure out the meaning of life before I crack this nut.

    Saturday, April 24, 2004

    I may have grown up just a little bit today. Someone mentioned that I have hot female friends. When I look at it objectively, he is right. Some of my female friends do look hot. (Then again, some are not so hot.)

    Which lead me to analyse my circle of friends. Yes, they are hot. That's why they are my friends now. I had probably tried to have sex with them in the early years but that plan clearly didn't work out. So I settled for friendship and then got to know them. Eventually, they just became guys with breasts and I stop seeing them as "female", which, come to think of it now, is as disturbing as taking a shower with your mother.

    But when I really look into it, they are still hot. It is just that I've gotten to know them better, as with all people, I tend to notice their flaws as human beings. Or perhaps they have some annoying characteristic that makes me want to spit at their face. But most of the time, it's just me being a total snob because I have this allergy towards stupidity and short-sightedness. Suddenly through no fault of their own, no matter how pretty they are, they look ugly to me.

    Largely, I would say its my loss.

    But I still can't help asking why is it always the pretty ones that go back for seconds when God was handing out "attitude"?

    It's that common "She is a pretty girl but her attitude makes her ugly" situation.

    On the other hand, I also have less attractive friends. But they are nice people. And then I start to find them attractive. Which lead me to two revelations.

    1. I now understand how some men, being totally visual creatures, end up with less attractive (and let's be honest, butt-ugly) mates that makes me want to thank him for taking her off the market and;

    2. I will probably have a butt-ugly girlfriend but I will think she is the most beautiful person in the world.

    The alternative is that I somehow get a hot girl who is really a She-Satan and have her leave me when I am old, fat, and ugly.

    Why can't I have hot AND beautiful?

    Either way, I am not keen on the prospects but life is just like that.

    Therefore, from this day forward, my criteria for a potential mate is her ability to make me laugh and her TOEFL score.

    Monday, April 19, 2004

    Things I Know Now

    Here are somethings life has taught me.

    1. If you put your clothes out long enough, you will eventually wear them again which will save you time folding them and putting them away. The ironing board is a good place to temporarily place your clothes.

    2. Despite looking like bomb shelter food that you think will last for a long time, they do expire: Coke, Maggi Mee, peanut butter, flour, and bottled water. Also, cheese and mayo go bad really fast.

    3. Do not pee on your plants. It might be OK when you are six years old. But when you reach 32 and take too much coffee, the ammonia gets too much. Then the plant dies.

    4. When having more than one hard drive in your PC, make sure the terminating hard drive is set to MASTER. Otherwise, things won't work and you might be frustrated enough to want to put a bullet through your computer.

    5. There are two kinds of RAM that I know of. If you force one type into a slot meant for the other type of RAM, and then you turn your PC on, you might get the smell of computer parts burning. This aroma from this tech BBQ may hang in your room for at least 24 hours.

    6. Invite people to your house more often. This may motivate you to clean your living space. And you'd be amazed at how fast you are able to do it.

    7. Putting that blue tablet thing in your toilet flush tank does not mean your toilet does not require scrubbing once in awhile.

    8. Even if you know the words to the rap of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby", do NOT rap along in public. No matter what people tell you, it is not cool.

    Sunday, April 18, 2004

    Contrary to what people say, there is such thing as a stupid question.

    It's 11.54 pm on a cool Saturday night. It's been almost 36 hours since I gave myself another heart attack when I attempted to assemble and set up another Windows PC. I went to PC Fair first thing Friday morning with Gene. Got me an AMD 2000+.

    And so the drama begins.

    So cut a long story short, I fried some RAM. I did not smell good. And then I spent the next 8 hours moving and reconfiguring my hard drives between my new PC and my other PC. If someone had knocked on my door at that time and asked for a cup of sugar, I would have beaten him to a pulp.

    Having said all this, I will probably still not go for a Mac purely from a price point. So don't be giving me "Get a Mac" comments.

    Which brings me to my next point.

    I really do not understand people who say "Macs are cheap now." I think it is just a Mac user's way of justifying their purchase. Yes, Macs today cost less than what they did five years ago. However, that's like saying a RM300,00-BMW is cheap today because it was RM500,000 three years ago.

    Friday, April 09, 2004

    Why I Love Malaysia (Part 1)

    I saw on the news today that the authorities have started the Ops Tulen anti-piracy drive again. It's that time of the year where they confiscate pirated software and then quote the total value of the confiscated software based on the manufacturer's suggested retail price of the original software multiplied that by 3.8 to a bunch of foreign reporters. As if Malaysians would have otherwise spent that money on original software in the first place.

    Of course, the defining moment is when the steamroller gets into the picture. They should use the steamroller as the icon in the anti-piracy campaign. That’ll scare them bastards. And wouldn’t you love to be at the meeting when they decided on who gets to drive the steamroller? (“No, it's my turn. You got to drive it the last time!" ...but in Malay.)

    The real kicker was this:

    “The enforcement officers raided two shopping malls in the city known for pirated software: Amcorp Mall and The Summit Subang Jaya.”

    Sonofabitch. I’ve been doing it all wrong. All this while I was getting my software from Low Yat and Imbi Plaza. Why didn’t anyone tell me about Amcorp Mall?

    It is so reassuring to see the street intelligence of Malaysian authorities.

    By the way, they sell nothing but cakes and wallpaper at Low Yat and Imbi. There’s nothing to see. All the action is at Amcorp and Sungai Buloh Parade.

    Thursday, April 08, 2004

    A 17-year old student died because his friends beat him up in school. Apparently, he was too smart and too well-liked by his teachers. Perhaps he was too rich and good looking too. He was getting all the babes and could recite the Quran backwards. I knew guys like this when I was in school back in the day and I too, wanted to beat him up. But I didn't because he was bigger than I was.

    Unfortunately, this one student died.

    So, someone has to pay. Investigations. Students detained.

    This matter happened about a week ago and the students were expelled just a few days ago. In the coming days, things would be died down and life goes on.

    As I sit by and watch this, it angers me that the big one got away. I am not talking about the students. I am talking about the principal and the teachers responsible. These people are the don of the gangsters and the ragging committee. And now when the shit hit the fan, they expelled the students; essentially, relocating the problem. Shheeeeeet....I could have done that myself, you pansy.

    In fact, I wouldn't kick these kids out of school. I'd want them to stay in school so I can watch over them and make their lifes miserable. And after that, sign them up for the Army and assign one big horny gay guy to their unit who believes in ragging as a way to build character.

    So, I am calling for the resignation of the principal of SM Agama Datuk Klana Petra Maamor, Johara Norwawi. You do the right thing and resign. Then drag your sorry ass back to your mama and tell her that you allowed a 17-year old student to be killed right under your nose in your backyard because you were too busy sitting around with a thumb up your ass.

    Gosh. I feel so much better now.

    A less-strongly worded version of this was sent to The Star.

    If you do not hear from me in the next few days, you may assume that Johara Norwawi has taken me out and my body may be found in his backyard.

    Monday, March 29, 2004

    Happy Cheng Meng

    I hung out with my dead ancestors and grandfather over the weekend. It has been quite a surreal year so far. My grandfather died. My aunt died. And I did the "cheng meng" thing for the first time in my adult life by choice.

    As always, I made some observations which I would like to share with the world and particularly, the "cheng meng" committee and/or the "cemetery people".

    First off all, I think I know what “cheng meng” means. It’s Mandarin for “sweeping the dirt from this grave to the other neighbouring graves”.

    Secondly, I am reminded of how excessive Chinese people are. Yet again. Even when we are dead, we take up so much space. I predict, by the year 2085, thirty five percent of the planet’s land space will be used to bury dead Chinese people. Eventually, the world’s Chinese community will acquire one of the Philippine islands and convert it into a huge burial ground and introduce the concept of multi-layer burial. The company offering this service will have the tagline “How Low Can You Go?” and will market the concept of being buried lower in the ground will put the dead closer to Hell (where all the burnt Hell money goes.)

    When I am dead, I want to be cremated. Plain and simple. And I finally get to be hot! But before they start the flame throwers, I would like to be marinated with some kind of BBQ sauce and properly oiled with a little touch of mint. That way, when I am inferno, my guests get a tasty nasal treat. It is always good to go smelling nice.

    On with the show.

    1. As a addendum to the “excessive Chinese” point I just made, not only do we take up so much space when we are dead, we burn a lot of trees when we are dead. WE BURN SO MUCH! I find this totally unnecessary. First of all, we are killing a lot of trees. Secondly, we are contributing to global warming.

    2. When you gotta burn, you gotta burn. But here’s a tip. 1. Use a longer sticking for “stirring” the fire. That way, you can stay further away from the fire. (Fire is hot!) Also, when you are done, you and hold the long stick upright and pretend you’re Moses parting the Dead Sea. 2. You should consider putting some moisturiser on your face while burning because the heat from the fire gives you a very crude facial. Your pores tend to open up and it will be a good opportunity for healthy expensive facial products to get into the pores instead of ash.

    3. Here’s a tip to the cemetery people. With all the dead bodies in the ground, you would think that the cemetery would be the MOST FERTILE GROUND on the planet. Why not take advantage of this and make the cemetery into a sanctuary for the flora and fauna. Let the dead push up some daisies. Right now, they look like a wasteland or a showroom for marble products. So, go on. Plant a seed. Bring a monkey.

    Long live the dead!

    Monday, March 22, 2004

    The Week That Was

    Just to update you on what's been going on in my life.

    My aunt died of cancer last week. I went to the funeral in Melaka. It was tragic and I hope they find a cure for cancer soon. Or at least call it something else so it doesn't sound so frightening.

    Hung out at Alexis Bistro at GE Mall last weekend with Pam, Gab, and Jackie. (Don't you love when people drop names in their blogs and then readers go "Who?") A jazz band was playing there. The highlight of the evening was when I noticed the lovely sugar lumps. Very cool. Looked like little dried up balls of sugar. In white and brown too. So I took it home. Sugar AND bowl. Pam assisted.

    Pam, Clay, and I had dinner last night at this place behind Finnegan's at Sri Hartamas. Steamboat thing but not Chinese. Quite nice. I love when I have to work for my food. You should check it out. Very tasty.

    And my Chinese Type 3 friend told me it was "erection weekend". But I didn't register to vote. Tragic. But all them posters and banners got me into the erection fever. I was hoping they would have an erection sale. But sadly, no.

    I'm finally on Streamyx now. I've dumped my previous broadband connection from eBuildings. I hate this company. (It must be bad when a private company can make you want to switch to Telekom!) If you have a choice, avoid eBuildings at all costs which is not to say much because they overcharge anyway. The bigger surprise for me was Telekom. They were efficient, courteous and professional. I think they might actually know what they are doing.

    My hair is totally out of control. I now look like a Chia pet. I am not sure whether I want to get my hair cut. I've been wanting to see what would happen to my hair when it grows out. Going for that "Tom-Hanks-stranded-on-a-desert-island-for-3-years-look" but secretly hoping it would turn out with the "Aragon-in-his-fake-wig-in-The-Lord-Of-The-Rings" look. Whichever...it will be change. I like my pro-communist hair, which also doubled as a woman repellent. I was saving so much on shampoo costs and drying time.

    And that was my week.

    Wednesday, March 10, 2004

    Mystery Of The Universe

    Today, two guys are working on the balcony of my apartment. After years of neglect, I've decided to re-tile the whole mother because... well...because the old tiles have never been cleaned and after four years, they are really gross.

    Never mind the gross tiles. What freaks me out the most when people come to my place is when they use the restrooms. I have a dry restroom. The only "wet area" is the shower stall, which is enclosed.

    What I want to know is, why, pray tell, WHY, is it that when these people pee, they leave pubic hair on the toilet seat? WHY?

    Lo and behold. There was one today. Only one word comes to mind: FUCK!

    Even as a straight guy, I think this is the one most disgusting and annoying "thing" in the world, followed by peeing on the toilet seat itself.

    What are these fuckers doing while they are taking a piss?

    "Let me scratch myself and see how many of my pubes I can yank out."

    "Oops. Missed!"

    And this is not the sort of thing you can tell people NOT to do.

    I wouldn't even know how to bring it up in Cantonese. And if I did, and they did shed, they probably just whiz it off the toilet seat and get it on the floor. And then two weeks later, I'd pick it up with my bare hands thinking it was mine.

    "Please don't leave your pubic hair on my toilet".

    Quick. Translate that for me!

    Tuesday, February 24, 2004

    You go to any hawker centre or food court places, or even those "super" mamak places like Steven's Corner. If they have "Western Food" there, chances are, when they serve you, the fork and knife would be wrapped in a serviette. But if you order "Nasi Goreng Ayam Special", you just get a fork and spoon sans serviette. What's up with that?
    Since when did "western food" own the exclusive rights to the care and cleaning of one's facial oral cavity? I think we give the western culture way too much credit.
    Stupid Malaysians!

    Monday, February 23, 2004

    While having lunch with co-Bat this afternoon, we had our usual discussion topics: The economy, some politics, the latest in stem cell research, and of course, on society. Our discussion on society was rather thought-provoking and required further attention. Upon personal reflecting, I’ve made a somewhat personal revelation in the evolution and social mores in our society and culture.

    Today, in Malaysia, there is no longer just the Chinese. Along the way, the Chinese people divided beyond dialects and religious faith. We now have denomination within the Chinese. The major three groups are Regular, Cina, and Ah Beng.

    The Regular group is the minority, making up less than 20% of the Chinese people. This group has the following characteristics:
    1. Speaks English as the first language.
    2. Thinks the world owes them a living.
    3. Uses the Internet more than the other two groups combined.
    4. Loves the iPod and/or IKEA.
    5. Watches one or more of the following TV series: “Sex And The City”, “Friends”, or “CSI.”
    6. Thinks that the Regular group is way larger than it is and makes fun of the other groups, particularly the Ah Beng group. Why? Because it's fun.

    Recent studies have also shown that there is a growing splinter group within the Regular group known as the CPWTTANC group. (CPWTTANC is short for Chinese People Who Think They Are Not Chinese.) This growing subgroup are considered elitist by some and are found making statements like “I wish I were in the U.S.” or “This never happened when I was studying in Australia.” They also tend to speak with an unidentifiable accent. The women may also prefer to date white men from foreign countries with the excuse that local men just "don't understand me" and have the secret desire to be taken away to the U.S. to live in a sitcom.

    The second Chinese group, Cina make up approximately 55% of the Chinese community. (Cina is derived from the Malay word Cina which means Chinese and is pronounced “chee-na”. And you will have to say it in a condescending tone for effect.) This group is considered mainstream and contribute to the numbers that reflect development in the country. They are the masses in context of the Chinese community. In other words, if you want to sell something to the masses of Chinese people, the Cina is it.

    The Cina are identified by the following traits:
    1. Speaks Mandarin or Cantonese as the first language.
    2. Generally quiet, self-effacing, and obliging but are actually shrewd and calculative.
    3. Sees Taiwan as the place to be.
    4. More likely to forward chain email to people in their address book.
    5. Goes to Halo Café or Wow Wow Café BY CHOICE at least three times a year.
    6. Has Astro hardwired to Wah Lai Toi.
    7. Calls a music video an MTV instead of music video.
    8. Knows all the dim sum dishes by name.
    9. Seventy percent of lighting at home generated by flourescent lights.

    The last group are known as the Ah Bengs . This term was probably made up by the Regulars in the early 80s during the cultural invasion that saw the mass import of music and movies from countries like Hong Kong, Taiwan, and to some extent, Japan. This phenomenon saw the more open-minded and runaway members of the Cina group defect into Ah Bengs and its feminine equivalent, Ah Lian. They just took their Alan Tam and Anita Mui a little too seriously.

    Perhaps the most made-fun-of group not only by its own Chinese people but by people of other races, the Ah Bengs are often seen as people living on the edge and have more flamboyant tastes.

    One may identify the Ah Beng by these tell-tale signs:
    1. Built-in visual self-defense mechanism that keeps people away from them.
    2. Have enough amplifiers in their one car to power speakers for six cars.
    3. Hair not in their original colour.
    4. Volume of voice is automatically five decibels higher than everyone else.
    5. Excessive use of the phrase “Kan Ni Na Bu Ciao Chee Bai”. (Although, to be fair, some members of the Regular group have been reported to use the phrase on a daily basis as well.)
    6. Once a fan of one of the following groups: Vengaboys, Dr Bombay, Aqua, or the Cheeky Girls.
    7. Their Proton car does not look like a Proton car due to modifications.
    8. For the Ah Lians, have at least one bag fashioned after a furry animal complete with the head.

    With the new understanding of the Chinese people, it is the hope of this writer that we all get along and respect the differences of the groups within the Chinese community.

    As a footnote to this study, the first group is called Regular because the writer of this document falls in this group. It also reinforces one of the characteristics of the group which is self-righteousness. If not, Regular could also befit the bowel activity of the writer given his excessive intake of fruits and vegetables.

    Saturday, February 21, 2004

    I would not consider myself a Mariah Carey fan but I went to the Mariah Carey concert last night.

    First thing I realised was that I know the words to most of her songs. What's up with that?
    Secondly, the concert blew chunks.

    Most of the songs were sung to pre-recorded music. Which means the band was there to play the slow songs and to look like they were playing the fast songs. There was one drummer, two keyboard players, and a bass player. It didn't look good.

    Part of the reason was the stupid people from the Malaysian government who said she couldn't wear what she was supposed to wear for her performance. Needless to say, my calls for her to "take it off" was futile.

    In conclusion, the concert sucked and I got fondled on the way out of the stadium. I'm just glad I didn't pay for the tickets.

    Thursday, February 19, 2004

    I now know why I am sans girlfriend.

    This blog entry will mean nothing to most people. I just need to express my love to my home studio which is located at a undisclosed high security location.

    I have just upgraded my home studio. I sold my 24-channel Mackie mixer of 10 years for a miserable RM1,800. I paid about RM10k for this. It has served me well. I got a new MOTU 828mkII in its place. With 22-ins and outs capable of 96kHz 24-bit recording. I think I just ejaculated a little when I typed out the specs.

    Not only that, I also received the UAD-1 DSP card the same time I got the MOTU. Bought the UAD-1 online from audioMIDI.com. I've been in awe of this card since I saw Greg's. And now I have my own. Muahahaha! Power! Again...felt a little squirt down there.

    On Monday, I will receive my new Focusrite pre-amp. Finally! A Focusrite in my home studio! I am officially moist now!

    I've stripped away most of my external gear. The whole set up looks minimal now. I love it. Although I am not sure if clients will be as impressed when they see the new set up.
    So folks, let me totally cream myself now.

    I am running Steinberg Cubase SX2 (and yes, it's licensed!) on my AMD XP 2.8gHz. One gigabyte of RAM and 200GB of SATA disk space. I have the UAD-1 DSP card and Yamaha DSP Factory. On Monday, I will have the Focusrite pre-amp in the rack. Running HALion 2, Spectrasonics Atmosphere, Absynth 2, Aturia Moog, LM4mk2, and the amazing Waves plug-ins.

    I am sending MIDI to my Roland XV5050, Akai S2800, and Alesis Quadrasynth keyboard. And listening from a pair of Alesis Monitor One Active Mk II.

    Oh...did I mention I have a funky red wireless mouse?

    I may have just shot my load in my pants!

    However, two years from now, this set up will look like stone-age gear.

    So, if you are a fellow music producing geek, particularly if you are a hot girl with a nice rack....of gear, please get in touch with me.

    Monday, February 16, 2004

    Why is it that when a Malaysian is asked to speak "good English", they some how acquire an accent?

    Take this ad on TV featuring this celebrity whom I've spoken with in person before. In this ad, he has a British accent. He does not speak like this in real life.

    The same goes for the countless number of radio announcers (for the Astro folks), radio DJs, actors, and people who hang out at Bangsar...err....Changkat Sultan Ismail Raja Chulan blah blah blah.

    Amazingly, most have never even left the country. Yet the mysterious accent. And you know it's a load of crock when they can't even get their English right.

    Me: Why do you speak like this?
    Ah Heng: Oh...pardon my slang. I got study in England for six months.
    Right.

    It's accent, you butt acne. Slang is when I call you thick.

    What the cibai, man.

    Saturday, February 14, 2004

    Amazingly enough, I've been blogging (on and off) for over a year now. If that isn't commitment, I don't know what is. I realise that my blog isn't a blog in the original sense; in that it is a personal journal where I write about my day and tell the whole world how much I hate my boss with the excessive use of the word "fuck".

    No, mine is like a regular web site with lots of words.

    Some how along the way, it's no longer hip to say you have a web site. Now, it is "Check out my blog."

    In all fairness, the blog is rather specific. It's like a really large section of the "ABOUT ME" of a web site. It's the one time where the person is expected to be self-indulgent.
    Now, I think this is a good thing.

    I've gotten to know so many people better from blogs. You could discover a different dimension to the person. Take the fellow Bat for instance. She writes nothing like she speaks. Which is neither a good thing NOR a bad thing. It's just a neutral observation. That just gives me a totally new way of appreciating a person.

    There are some people whom I wish would blog more...for a variety of reasons. So, in the name of all things sacred and pure, please...start a blog today. Or go update your blog. (And it wouldn't hurt to proof-read and run your blog through the spell-checker once in a while!) Then give me your links.

    (I am going to burn in hell!)

    Monday, February 09, 2004

    I had lunch with someone today who told me an interesting true story. It is about her dog who has been acting weird lately. Apparently, she can't let the dog out anymore because if she does, he won't come back. And over the Chinese New Year, she found out why. Her dog has been hanging out with another dog and having doggy sex. (I wonder, when dogs actually do it missionary style, would they call is "human style" in the way we humans called it "doggy style" when it do it like dogs?)

    I digress. Anyway, the catch is, the other dog is also a male. So, it's gay doggy sex.
    My friend is quite distressed now because she doesn't know what to do. The dog is angry and violent now. She won't let it go because she doesn't think it will survive "out in the wild"...what with AIDS, the high cost of living in the city and all. And she is also not too keen on losing her dog of nine years just because he has a new boyfriend.

    I guess we all have to prepare ourselves for this sort of thing. We just have to live our lifes and say it's OK when our pets one day sit us down over breakfast and say, "You might want to sit down for this. I am gay."

    Thursday, February 05, 2004

    Sometimes people say the stupidest thing which makes you want to pelt them to death with rotten animal parts. This here is one of them times .

    Check this story out.

    In case the link craps out...

    Boost Transvestite Shows Proposal
    KUALA LUMPUR: Transvestite shows should be promoted as a tourist attraction and also to enable the transvestites to earn a proper living, Bukit Bintang MCA division chairman Datuk Dr Lee Chong Meng said.
    He said that this should be included in the proposed project to upgrade Lorong Haji Taib in the Chow Kit area.
    The proposal to develop the area is being studied by City Hall.

    Now, I am no transvestite expert. Personally, I don't even know one. But from a human point of view, I think the proposal by this dumbfuck of human being, Datuk Dr Lee shows that he is the kind of man who will have Michael Jackson babysit his five-year old son.

    Does Lee think transvestites are here on this good earth to entertain us like circus animals?

    Does he actually think that these men wake up each day, pull their dicks back while they slip into their sequined bustier and say "Hey, I am woman! Hear me roar!"?

    OK. Perhaps some.

    Crossdressers are complex personalities and they do what they do for whatever reason. Could be a fetish or they are expressing hidden characteristics or even creative. Or perhaps the feel of silk lace panties and the open-air concept of a skirt are just way too comfortable. Hey, whatever rocks your world dude!

    But to size them down as entertainment is just plain wrong and insensitive.

    If Lee wants to help these "transvestites earn a proper living", make it the law that companies cannot fire their employees because they are transvestites or because of their sexual preferences. In fact, make it the law that all companies must have a crossdresser and a homosexual. One from every race.

    Again, I am no expert but I am quite sure not all transvestites want to be a Paper Doll or a hairdresser. Some might want to lead lifes as normal as possible and just want regular jobs like everyone else.

    And this show will be on Lorong Haji Taib. I am sure Haji Taib must be proud.
    So, if you see Lee on the streets, pelt him!

    Saturday, January 31, 2004

    My Belated List
    I can't complete my 2003 without a list of music that you must listen. Buy or download. Just get it.

    I realise not all are from 2003. But still...

    In no particular order.
    * Yo-Yo Ma - The entire "Obrigado Brasil" album (BUY THE CD!)
    * Annie Lennox - The entire "Bare" album (BUY THE CD!)
    * Groove Armada - Easy (from the "Love Box" album)
    * Alejandro Sanz - He Sido Tan Feliz Contigo (from the "No Es Lo Mismo" album)
    * The Used - The Taste of Ink (from "The Used" album)
    * Jonatha Brooke - The "Steady Pull" album (and the "Plumb" album too!) (BUY!)
    * Frou Frou - Breathe In (Especially the remixes!)
    * The ROC Project - Never (Past Tense) featuring Tina Arena
    * Telepopmusik - Breathe
    * Stacey Kent - It Might As Well Be Spring (BUY THE CD!)
    * Zero 7 - Destiny (from the "Simple Things" album)
    * Bebel Gilberto - August Day Song (from the "Tanto Tempo" album)
    Buy the CD or fire up KaZaA Lite.

    My CNY Dinner
    We did one Chinese New Year thing this year. We had the "yee sang" dinner thing today. Since we did not celebrate the new year this year (granddad died last month, see?), I was kind of looking forward to it.

    We went to this Chinese restaurant at 1-Utama. Can't remember the name of the place but I am sure it must have either have the words "twin", "double", or "happiness" in it. The dinner cost over RM700 for the nine of us. Sadly, the food was just decent. Nothing spectacular. You would think the whole dinner experience would have included a blowjob for that kind of money. What really did it in for me what that annoying karaoke action going on. I could be wrong, but I think "karaoke" means "fucking annoying" in Japanese. And this evening, once again, reinforced the danger of combining alcohol, karaoke, and the great karaoke echo machine. Sadder still, I was singing along in my head. Must have been the Chinese in me.

    Then there was the suckling pig. How disturbing is that image of a head of baby pig roasted and served while its body sliced and chopped into little pieces? So you have the head, and little slices of pork skin (skin, mind you. No meat!) arranged to make it look like the body complete with the little piggy legs. What is that all about?

    Like the chef back in the day said "Let's make it look like a pig so as to remind them that they are absolutely positively eating a pig!"

    Did I mention the torture which was the karaoke?

    Well, that's that. I ate a lot but managed to not mix my proteins and carbs for easier digestion.


    Air-O-Space
    It's late and I am watching an infomercial for the "5-in-1 Air-O-Space" sofa bed. This inflatable wonder product is a single bed, a queen-sized bed, a lounger, a recliner, and a three-seat sofa. But wait, there's more! It includes a multi-purpose turbo pump!

    The question on your mind right about now is "Why were you watching an infomercial?"
    Because I was bored.

    But what I found entertaining were the actors in the infomercial. These are bad actors playing the surprised man-on-the-street in awe of the product.

    Infomercials are as popular on late-night TV in the US as they are here. What I find amazing is that my mother believes the crap they are hawking on TV. And I believe many others believe it too. Why? 1. Because it's on TV. And 2. Because a white guy said so.

    What is it about us Asians that make us so gullible when it comes to white people? The Asian dude could be saying the same thing and no one listens. But when the white dude says it, it becomes a professional consultation.

    Well, my fellow Asians, let me share some of their secrets with you.

    1. Not all white guys are rich. Just because they are here, it doesn't mean they are paid in US dollars and have an expense account balance enough to feed a small family for a year. Most of them are here to make a living because they couldn't get a job in their own country. Or maybe they wanted a change in scenery. Or someone told them Asian girls were easy. (Which explains why most expats are men and not women!)

    2. Not all white guys are smart and know what they are doing or talking about. Because they are here in Malaysia as an expat, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are good. For an American or a Brit to be posted to a country like Malaysia, is like a Malaysian being asked to head an office in Beirut or Azergozastan. That's not something you write home about. In fact, it might be a sign that no one at the home office likes you and they are trying to get rid of you.

    3. Not all white guys are like your favourite Hollywood actor. Not all of them have personalities like the characters on "Friends". Chances are, we get the trailer-park white trash. But we don't know better. We are just enamoured by the pasty white thighs and that accent.
    And finally, there is that whole "love" thing. Now, I don't want to discount their quest for true love. I personally know a few good expat friends who have found their Malaysian love. But the truth is in the pudding when these guys actually settle down and you can see the love and connection.

    However, you take the flip side. Come on. Why anyone would want someone from a totally different background and to have to deal with the differences is beyond me. Only conclusion is that they couldn't score in their own country. Sorta like how local men resort to getting wifes from Thailand or China.

    It cracks me up when the girl then wonders why he doesn't call, or he is not serious about the relationship, or he doesn't introduce her to his parents when they visit.

    Unless he is willing to convert to your religion, and have his foreskin removed, and will make this country his home, he is not real. In other words, sweetie, you are just one of the many fuck-toys he has.

    And no matter what he tells you, if he has never shown you photos of his life back home, or has never given you his home address or number, he is not going to marry you and take you back to his home country where the two of you will live happily ever after. And oh yeah, by the way, he is probably married.

    All this from an infomercial.