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    Monday, March 29, 2004

    Happy Cheng Meng

    I hung out with my dead ancestors and grandfather over the weekend. It has been quite a surreal year so far. My grandfather died. My aunt died. And I did the "cheng meng" thing for the first time in my adult life by choice.

    As always, I made some observations which I would like to share with the world and particularly, the "cheng meng" committee and/or the "cemetery people".

    First off all, I think I know what “cheng meng” means. It’s Mandarin for “sweeping the dirt from this grave to the other neighbouring graves”.

    Secondly, I am reminded of how excessive Chinese people are. Yet again. Even when we are dead, we take up so much space. I predict, by the year 2085, thirty five percent of the planet’s land space will be used to bury dead Chinese people. Eventually, the world’s Chinese community will acquire one of the Philippine islands and convert it into a huge burial ground and introduce the concept of multi-layer burial. The company offering this service will have the tagline “How Low Can You Go?” and will market the concept of being buried lower in the ground will put the dead closer to Hell (where all the burnt Hell money goes.)

    When I am dead, I want to be cremated. Plain and simple. And I finally get to be hot! But before they start the flame throwers, I would like to be marinated with some kind of BBQ sauce and properly oiled with a little touch of mint. That way, when I am inferno, my guests get a tasty nasal treat. It is always good to go smelling nice.

    On with the show.

    1. As a addendum to the “excessive Chinese” point I just made, not only do we take up so much space when we are dead, we burn a lot of trees when we are dead. WE BURN SO MUCH! I find this totally unnecessary. First of all, we are killing a lot of trees. Secondly, we are contributing to global warming.

    2. When you gotta burn, you gotta burn. But here’s a tip. 1. Use a longer sticking for “stirring” the fire. That way, you can stay further away from the fire. (Fire is hot!) Also, when you are done, you and hold the long stick upright and pretend you’re Moses parting the Dead Sea. 2. You should consider putting some moisturiser on your face while burning because the heat from the fire gives you a very crude facial. Your pores tend to open up and it will be a good opportunity for healthy expensive facial products to get into the pores instead of ash.

    3. Here’s a tip to the cemetery people. With all the dead bodies in the ground, you would think that the cemetery would be the MOST FERTILE GROUND on the planet. Why not take advantage of this and make the cemetery into a sanctuary for the flora and fauna. Let the dead push up some daisies. Right now, they look like a wasteland or a showroom for marble products. So, go on. Plant a seed. Bring a monkey.

    Long live the dead!

    Monday, March 22, 2004

    The Week That Was

    Just to update you on what's been going on in my life.

    My aunt died of cancer last week. I went to the funeral in Melaka. It was tragic and I hope they find a cure for cancer soon. Or at least call it something else so it doesn't sound so frightening.

    Hung out at Alexis Bistro at GE Mall last weekend with Pam, Gab, and Jackie. (Don't you love when people drop names in their blogs and then readers go "Who?") A jazz band was playing there. The highlight of the evening was when I noticed the lovely sugar lumps. Very cool. Looked like little dried up balls of sugar. In white and brown too. So I took it home. Sugar AND bowl. Pam assisted.

    Pam, Clay, and I had dinner last night at this place behind Finnegan's at Sri Hartamas. Steamboat thing but not Chinese. Quite nice. I love when I have to work for my food. You should check it out. Very tasty.

    And my Chinese Type 3 friend told me it was "erection weekend". But I didn't register to vote. Tragic. But all them posters and banners got me into the erection fever. I was hoping they would have an erection sale. But sadly, no.

    I'm finally on Streamyx now. I've dumped my previous broadband connection from eBuildings. I hate this company. (It must be bad when a private company can make you want to switch to Telekom!) If you have a choice, avoid eBuildings at all costs which is not to say much because they overcharge anyway. The bigger surprise for me was Telekom. They were efficient, courteous and professional. I think they might actually know what they are doing.

    My hair is totally out of control. I now look like a Chia pet. I am not sure whether I want to get my hair cut. I've been wanting to see what would happen to my hair when it grows out. Going for that "Tom-Hanks-stranded-on-a-desert-island-for-3-years-look" but secretly hoping it would turn out with the "Aragon-in-his-fake-wig-in-The-Lord-Of-The-Rings" look. Whichever...it will be change. I like my pro-communist hair, which also doubled as a woman repellent. I was saving so much on shampoo costs and drying time.

    And that was my week.

    Wednesday, March 10, 2004

    Mystery Of The Universe

    Today, two guys are working on the balcony of my apartment. After years of neglect, I've decided to re-tile the whole mother because... well...because the old tiles have never been cleaned and after four years, they are really gross.

    Never mind the gross tiles. What freaks me out the most when people come to my place is when they use the restrooms. I have a dry restroom. The only "wet area" is the shower stall, which is enclosed.

    What I want to know is, why, pray tell, WHY, is it that when these people pee, they leave pubic hair on the toilet seat? WHY?

    Lo and behold. There was one today. Only one word comes to mind: FUCK!

    Even as a straight guy, I think this is the one most disgusting and annoying "thing" in the world, followed by peeing on the toilet seat itself.

    What are these fuckers doing while they are taking a piss?

    "Let me scratch myself and see how many of my pubes I can yank out."

    "Oops. Missed!"

    And this is not the sort of thing you can tell people NOT to do.

    I wouldn't even know how to bring it up in Cantonese. And if I did, and they did shed, they probably just whiz it off the toilet seat and get it on the floor. And then two weeks later, I'd pick it up with my bare hands thinking it was mine.

    "Please don't leave your pubic hair on my toilet".

    Quick. Translate that for me!