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    Monday, March 29, 2004

    Happy Cheng Meng

    I hung out with my dead ancestors and grandfather over the weekend. It has been quite a surreal year so far. My grandfather died. My aunt died. And I did the "cheng meng" thing for the first time in my adult life by choice.

    As always, I made some observations which I would like to share with the world and particularly, the "cheng meng" committee and/or the "cemetery people".

    First off all, I think I know what “cheng meng” means. It’s Mandarin for “sweeping the dirt from this grave to the other neighbouring graves”.

    Secondly, I am reminded of how excessive Chinese people are. Yet again. Even when we are dead, we take up so much space. I predict, by the year 2085, thirty five percent of the planet’s land space will be used to bury dead Chinese people. Eventually, the world’s Chinese community will acquire one of the Philippine islands and convert it into a huge burial ground and introduce the concept of multi-layer burial. The company offering this service will have the tagline “How Low Can You Go?” and will market the concept of being buried lower in the ground will put the dead closer to Hell (where all the burnt Hell money goes.)

    When I am dead, I want to be cremated. Plain and simple. And I finally get to be hot! But before they start the flame throwers, I would like to be marinated with some kind of BBQ sauce and properly oiled with a little touch of mint. That way, when I am inferno, my guests get a tasty nasal treat. It is always good to go smelling nice.

    On with the show.

    1. As a addendum to the “excessive Chinese” point I just made, not only do we take up so much space when we are dead, we burn a lot of trees when we are dead. WE BURN SO MUCH! I find this totally unnecessary. First of all, we are killing a lot of trees. Secondly, we are contributing to global warming.

    2. When you gotta burn, you gotta burn. But here’s a tip. 1. Use a longer sticking for “stirring” the fire. That way, you can stay further away from the fire. (Fire is hot!) Also, when you are done, you and hold the long stick upright and pretend you’re Moses parting the Dead Sea. 2. You should consider putting some moisturiser on your face while burning because the heat from the fire gives you a very crude facial. Your pores tend to open up and it will be a good opportunity for healthy expensive facial products to get into the pores instead of ash.

    3. Here’s a tip to the cemetery people. With all the dead bodies in the ground, you would think that the cemetery would be the MOST FERTILE GROUND on the planet. Why not take advantage of this and make the cemetery into a sanctuary for the flora and fauna. Let the dead push up some daisies. Right now, they look like a wasteland or a showroom for marble products. So, go on. Plant a seed. Bring a monkey.

    Long live the dead!

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