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    Thursday, May 20, 2004

    Another reason why Malacca is the place to be!

    Thursday, May 13, 2004

    Can of Processed Pork

    Bill Gates says that spam will not be an issue in a few years. I was hopefully optimistic until I noticed recent trends. I get about 200 spam messages a day in my "public email address" and increasingly, I've been getting my spam in Chinese. So, perhaps spam in English will slow make way for spam in Chinese. There are, after all, all this people in China and you know how resourceful ferkin' Chinese people are.

    It will be interesting to see what they sell. Probably the same as English spam. Viagra...but probably called Viagla. Definitely China-made penis enlarger. Perhaps, pickled fetus in herbal lotus seed paste. That will be interesting. For a while.

    And then there's spam in my blog comments. I actually get spam in my comment boxes on this blog. Yes. What is this world coming to?

    I was in the middle of this phone conversation. Out of the blue, the person on the other line says "I gotta trim my pubic hair."

    The next thing that crosses my mind is "where is this woman's free hand?" assuming the other is holding the phone. Oh yes, the other thing that did cross my mind is exactly how long is this woman's pubic hair that warrants her to notice that it needs trimming. I've been so out of touch with these things since I stopped watching "Pubic Hair Today" on the Discovery Channel. I really should get Astro.

    This whole incident reminded me of the time when I was seeing this person many many years ago while I was still in college. I was always the one doing the talking on the phone. And I'd talk about really mundane stuff that would make the weather report sound interesting. And eventually when we did start to date, she told me that during those times when I was telling her why nuclear fission is critical in finding the solution of alternative energy, she was actually getting off. What's up with that?

    Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no issues with women wanting to touch themselves while on the phone with me. I encourage it as long as I am not related to this person or if this person is not over the age of 35.

    So this is where I do that Carrie Bradshaw thing in "Sex And The City" and type...

    Do women enjoy touching themselves while on the phone or did I put too much salt in my Sangria?

    OK. I'll admit that the line didn't work out as well as how it'd be on TV but you get the picture.

    Time to get on with my life.

    And in other news, Tan Ter Seeng, 20, is seeking out a career in the police force after being inspired by the "Bad Boys" movie.

    Someone should tell Tan about the RM800 per month salary and oh yeah...he doesn't get to drive a Porche or get a smart-talking black partner like Will Smith's character did in "Bad Boys".

    But you know he is going to make it seeing that he is one of the only two Chinese who applied. And look at him. He has "phuck face" written all over him. And you know he would be the type to use his badge to get girls.

    So, if the police recruitment people are reading this, don't get this guy. He is in it for the glamour. And also, I love you.

    Having said all that, I am looking at the bright side and giving thanks that he didn't decide to join the police force after watching the "Polica Academy" movies.

    Tomorrow's headlines: Local Blogger Gets Summons Backdating Ten Years After Controversial Blog Entry.

    The headline on yesterday's Star newspaper read "Tougher Laws To Fight Sex Crime." Another one: "Be Proactive In Combating Threats From Hackers." This one: "Najib: Strengthen Unity Among Youth."

    Is it me or does the newspapers have this knack for stating the obvious? Or perhaps it's their way of irreverance; stating the obvious to show that the headline makers have this knack for stating the obvious.

    Tougher laws to fight sex crimes? No way! You don't say! Be proactive in combating threats from hackers. Get out of here! Strengthen unity among youth. You don't say. But just the youth. The older ones can screw it. We don't need unity there.

    "Don’t Delay Land Application"

    Yes, since prior to this, it was delayed until they were given the directive to not delay.

    Ensure Education Premises Are Safe, Kayveas Urges Operators"

    Prior to this, education premises were minefields and death traps.

    PM: Malaysians Must Master English To Compete Globally

    No way. You think? But if you do speak English, please don't do it with that Malay accent you hear so often in radio ads. I think it's annoying and you should be shot.

    Saturday, May 08, 2004

    Here's a visual you don't want.

    Your mother's boob is the first boob you've sucked on. So, whenever you guys or lesbian women make a list of all the boobs you've had, add another to the list.

    Talk about your verbal birth control. I may never look at tits the same way again.

    Sunday, May 02, 2004

    Maybe I do not say it enough but you gotta love the Malaysian censorship board. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything or else I'll jinx it.

    I am actually watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" on 8TV.

    In case you don't know, it's about five gay men who apparently have style and taste built into their DNA, who will make a sloppy straight guy look cool.

    And in case you missed it, it has gay men on the show.

    I am all for it but I can't help seeing how ignorant and close-minded the Malaysian censors are. They took "Ellen" off the air when Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet. And this was even before the character came out of the closet. And they also took "Will & Grace" off the air.

    But they allow Queer Eye. Clearly they don't know the whole queer thing or perhaps the censor dude can't stay up that late to catch the show.

    In any case, it's time for me to soak my toothbrush in mouthwash to remove any germs and bacteria that may have taken residence in the bristles.

    Saturday, May 01, 2004

    Under circumstances beyond my control, I went to Zouk in Kuala Lumpur. Yet another interesting experience for me when witnessing the fine specimen of Malaysian society.

    Maybe I am getting old. But the only thing louder than the ear-bleedingly loud music is the laughter I hear in my head. Laughter from the owners of Zouk, sitting in their quiet homes somewhere laughing their asses off that there are these dumb people paying money to yell at each other in the name of conversation.

    But tonight, several things were made clear to me.

    For starters, people go such clubs to have a good time. And by "good times," it means having that person removed from his or her reality, even if its for a few hours. Hence, you have that hypnotic rave music that goes on and on. And for you to really accept the musical assault, you need alcohol and drugs. Otherwise you will just be a moron allowing your hearing to prematurely deteriorate without a cause. But with alcohol and drugs, you are on a totally different planet!

    Secondly, I was disappointed. There is nothing cool about Zouk, except the way they have their restrooms divided for two groups of people: Macintosh users and Windows users. Or at least that's what I think the M and W stand for.

    Other than that, there is absolutely nothing cool about the place. No cool decor. No fancy lighting or interior. Nothing made me go "Wow, that's cool!" Either the Singaporean owners think that the Zouk name is enough to draw the crowd or Malaysian clubbers are too dumb to know any better. I have a feeling its both.

    Frankly, I don't see what's the big deal with Zouk. Inside, it looks like any other old club from the early 90s to me. Dark, nicotine-fortified smoke hanging in the air, that one old uncle who dances like he has a hair brush wedged up his ass, and a room filled mostly with shiny people with no money trying to act cool. And of course, I am quite sure I am impotent with all that exposure to black light. My God man! Black light? Are we still in the 80s?

    Anyway, now I can say I've been to Zouk. The only excuse I have is that I had to suspend logic and became stupid. (There's this girl, see?)