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    Thursday, May 13, 2004

    Can of Processed Pork

    Bill Gates says that spam will not be an issue in a few years. I was hopefully optimistic until I noticed recent trends. I get about 200 spam messages a day in my "public email address" and increasingly, I've been getting my spam in Chinese. So, perhaps spam in English will slow down....to make way for spam in Chinese. There are, after all, all this people in China and you know how resourceful ferkin' Chinese people are.

    It will be interesting to see what they sell. Probably the same as English spam. Viagra...but probably called Viagla. Definitely China-made penis enlarger. Perhaps, pickled fetus in herbal lotus seed paste. That will be interesting. For a while.

    And then there's spam in my blog comments. I actually get spam in my comment boxes on this blog. Yes. What is this world coming to?


    I was in the middle of this phone conversation. Out of the blue, the person on the other line says "I gotta trim my pubic hair."

    The next thing that crosses my mind is "where is this woman's free hand?" assuming the other is holding the phone. Oh yes, the other thing that did cross my mind is exactly how long is this woman's pubic hair that warrants her to notice that it needs trimming. I've been so out of touch with these things since I stopped watching "Pubic Hair Today" on the Discovery Channel. I really should get Astro.

    This whole incident reminded me of the time when I was seeing this person many many years ago while I was still in college. I was always the one doing the talking on the phone. And I'd talk about really mundane stuff that would make the weather report sound interesting. And eventually when we did start to date, she told me that during those times when I was telling her why nuclear fission is critical in finding the solution of alternative energy, she was actually getting off. What's up with that?

    Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no issues with women wanting to touch themselves while on the phone with me. I encourage it as long as I am not related to this person or if this person is not over the age of 35.

    So this is where I do that Carrie Bradshaw thing in "Sex And The City" and type...

    Do women enjoy touching themselves while on the phone or did I put too much salt in my Sangria?

    OK. I'll admit that the line didn't work out as well as how it'd be on TV but you get the picture.

    Time to get on with my life.

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