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    Monday, May 30, 2005

    I’ve been really good so far. I am a big Star Wars fan. I haven’t blogged anything on Star Wars or constructed any sentences based on Yoda’s School of Grammar. This whole back-ass-wards Yoda talk is about as annoying as Gollum’s “my precious” and anyone who does this Yoda thing should be pimp-slapped.

    All I will say with reference to Star Wars is that I had a chance to go the premiere with Ning Baizura and I didn’t go because I had to work! Waaaaaaaaah. (Crying…not in awe.) And speaking of Ning, she and her manager held a kenduri. My first kenduri and I didn’t take pictures. And they handed out AIM awards to all the producers for her award-winning album “Erti Pertemuan” which is available at a music store near you. So now I have one sitting on my speaker. I hope this helps me get laid more often but I seriously doubt it. I think it is just a regular award as opposed to a magic award.

    Anyway, I like Star Wars Episode 3. A little overkill but I still like it. What I didn’t care to much for was “Madagascar.” Unless you have nothing else better to do, don’t watch it. Watch “The Incredibles” or “Sepet” instead. Or remove lint from your pockets.

    Pillow Talk Alert!

    Do not forget "Pillow Talk" tonight at 12.10 am on NTV7. Jojo speaks with Wong Sze Zen. I have no idea who she is but I'd bet my left nut she is a model, who is a beauty with *cough*brains*cough* who was awkward as a child and now has aspirations to start her own lingerie business.

    Unfortunately, I will be working tonight. But please watch "Pillow Talk" and give it some neck support. And fill me in on some of that "Pillow Talk" wisdom. Please. For the love of God. I need my Jojo.

    Sunday, May 29, 2005

    Today, I answered one of those questions most men never dared to ask.

    “Would I get a woody if a 60-year-old woman gave me a full body massage?”

    The answer is a firm unyielding definite no. And thank God for that.

    I woke up this morning and decided to hang out with my future girlfriend (she just doesn’t know it yet). At the end of the day, she introduced me to her 60-year-old masseuse who gave me a full 90-minute rub-down. When you think about it, it sounds great but when you actually do it, it hurts like hell.

    This is my second time. Perhaps I am uncomfortable by the fact there is a 60-year-old woman who feels like a 300-pound gorilla, fondling me. I could be mistaken but I swear there was definitely some nut grazing going on. That’s when I came to some conclusions.

    First, I have a very low tolerance for pain. Rub my thigh the wrong way and I squeal like an eight-year-old girl. (Although I am glad to report that my reflexes are in full gear during the nut-graze.) This low tolerance for pain essentially puts me out of the secret agent game and possibly a spot on “Fear Factor.”

    Then there’s the pain itself; the pain of having some pressure point on your body being forcefully rubbed on over and over again. And I am thinking, this is probably one of the very few times a man feels pain on his body which is not caused by disease or bring kicked in the nuts. In other words, apart from something like a heart attack or a stroke, a man can go through much of his life without natural pain to his body. Unlike the woman’s body, which at some point will experience a different and unique kind of pain that is from childbirth. Then the realisation set in that a man’s body is not as strong as a woman’s. But then why are men stronger than women. Oh the conflict.

    But back to the rub-down, it was overall quite good. Some red flags in me did go off when she asked what I do for a living.

    “Errr…I am into computers.”

    And her responded with an interesting question in Indonesian.

    “Why is it when I print my passport, it looks different from the original?”

    Great. Now I could possibly have an illegal 300-pound gorilla disguised as a 60-year-old Indonesian giving out massages.

    Saturday, May 28, 2005

    Watch My Thumb!

    I've been to the movies more time in the past two weeks than I had been all last year.

    Let me save you a few bucks with this summary:

    1. Don't watch that forgettable movie with Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke. It's so uneventful that I even forgot the name. But that does not change the fact that I want to be reincarnated as Angelina Jolie's bra.

    2. Only watch Troy if someone holds a really big gun to your head or promises to go down on you in the theater.

    3. Only after you've seen Troy (and gotten blown) you watch Van Helsing. This movie is van loud and also van silly. It's not silly entertaining but silly stupid.

    4. Watch Shrek 2. Then watch it again to see what you missed during the first round. Take notes so you can start water-cooler conversations with "Did you get it when..." when you make movie references and try to sound smart when you're really a dork.

    5. Watch The Day After Tomorrow on cheap days. If you can arrange for it, that in-house blowjob might come in handy after all the special effects disaster scenes. Otherwise, bring in a small pair of scissors to trim your nose or pubic hair. That should help keep you awake till the end of the movie.

    Blog In A Can

    I watched "The Day After Tomorrow" just this afternoon. The movie looks great but as expected, the story sucks.

    Haven't gone running this week, all thanks to the wet weather. Cheryl suggest running tomorrow morning at 8 am. That should be interesting. So, I'm going to pump myself with liquids tonight before I go to sleep and then the urge to pee will wake me up. It works for me...and it might work for you.

    I also bought new running shoes for RM350! This is most money I've ever paid for a pair of shoes...or anything that did not contain a microchip or the element of sex.

    I've always wanted to start an all-girl band. I'll call it The Broad Band.

    Cheryl, God bless her, got me running at this 5km trek at Taman Tun. It's a hill. I actually did 5 km. After which I had a brief but very real stroke and I got closer to the feeling of a heart attack than I've ever been before.

    I also sliced the tip of my middle finger while in the elevator. Blood everywhere. Pain. That's when I realised that I will not do well as a spy with national secrets. I am such a big pussy.

    I tried writing a song last night but nothing came out. I have not been spending a lot of time in my home studio. I am convinced that feng shui has something to do with it. There is an affliction in the room some where. You hear me Lillian?

    I also caught the finals to American Idol on 8TV. And then the results show. Just a note that 8TV lied and it was not LIVE from Hollywood because I read the results on the Internet before 8TV aired it at 11 am. It totally ruined it for me.

    I have to write a funny song. I need help.

    Tuesday, May 24, 2005

    Pillow Talk Wisdom #6

    Jojo Struys interviews United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan in a very special edition of Pillow Talk.

    Jojo: Hi everyone. You will guess who I have as our special guest today. I am in the bedroom of Kofi Annan.
    Kofi: Good evening.
    Jojo: I am sure you know the question all our viewers have on our minds. What is the progress on the investigations on your son’s involvement in the “Oil-for-Food” scandal?
    Kofi: Well, the investigations are st….
    Jojo: Hehehe…I was just kidding. What we really want to know is, what is your favourite number.
    Kofi: Five.
    Jojo: Five? Interesting. I like six. You know your predecessor Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali right? Have you ever thought of changing your name to Kofi Kofi Annan? And later perhaps it could be the United United Nations. Hehe.
    Kofi: You are stupid stupid.
    Jojo: What do you look for in a United Nations Secretary-General…err I mean, what do you look for in a woman?
    Kofi: You are stupid.
    Jojo: You are the United Nations Secretary-General. How fast do you type and do you shorthand?
    Kofi: I have had more intelligent conversations with cabbage.
    Jojo: Let’s play a game. Complete these sentence. My favourite part of my body is…
    Kofi: You are really stupid.
    Jojo: What are your turn-ons?
    Kofi: Janet Re….
    Jojo: What are your turn-offs?
    Kofi: How do you make it through the day without people throwing things at you?
    Jojo: If there is one part of your body you could change, what would it be?
    Kofi: Oh the humanity.
    Jojo: How do you keep your skin so smooth? How do you keep it so fresh?
    Kofi: Who did you have to sleep with to get this gig?
    Jojo: Well, Kofi, we are at the end of our show and this is when I usually get my guests to sing for me. But I won’t ask since I am not into World music. I also usually try to get fresh and freaky with my female guests but not this time since you are a guy.
    Kofi: Cock teaser.
    Jojo: Whatever. But for now, Kofi and I blow you a kiss.
    Kofi: Please put a bullet in my head.

    Tuesday, May 17, 2005

    Pillow Talk Wisdom #4

    This week's guest was Stephanie Chai, which brings us the question "Who the fark is Stephanie Chai?" Well, Stephanie Chai is, of course, a model who knows a thing or two on being Malaysian...

    Stephanie: I'm a Malaysian. I have a Malaysian passport.

    ...with a healthy view of herself...

    Jojo: Complete this sentence. I best describe myself...
    Stephanie: ...as a funny bunny.

    ...and life...

    Stephanie: The first thing I do when I wake up is go back to sleep.

    ...and helpful to budding models...

    Jojo: What makes a good model?
    Stephanie: Good bone structure.

    Pillow Talk Wisdom #5

    There must either be a model strike or she is scrapping the bottom of the barrel, but this week’s guest was Fazura. Again, I asked, who the fuck is Fazura? Shock horror, Fazura is a model but wait there’s more. She is also a host and an actress.

    As with every week on Pillow Talk, former Mensa member, Jojo Struys asks the really tough questions like “Do you prefer acting or hosting” or “Do you make it a point to remove all your makeup?”. But this time, Jojo has met her match with a guest even dumber than her. I could feel my IQ dropping with each mind-numbing response.

    Jojo: What do you look for in a guy?
    Fazura: Just be yourself and get it going on.

    Deep.

    Fazura: I am so totally turned on by purple.

    Deeper.

    Fazura: I like honest guys. I was at a Christmas eve party and I was at the bar in my mini skirt posing. You know, posing. Then this guy comes up to me and sprays with some orange stuff. My skirt was all orange. I find him honest.

    So, if you are purple and you look like a teddy bear with social delinquency, give Fazura a call.

    Jojo: What’s the favourite part of your body?
    Fazura: My eyes.
    Jojo: Really?
    Fazura: No.

    Wow.

    Fazura: I want to have twelve kids. Eleven boys and one girl.

    Waaaaaah. That chromosome-control medication is finally kicking in.

    Tuesday, May 03, 2005

    Pillow Talk Wisdom #3

    Jojo: Would you consider an underwater marriage?
    Hannah: Hahaha.
    Jojo: I guess not. Too many bubbles.

    Monday, May 02, 2005

    I am still alive. Too much going on and at the same time, nothing much is happening.

    I did not go for the awards show on Saturday. However, I did go to the after-award party held at the ever-so-glam PWTC. No matter how many times I go there, I can't help but see the PWTC as a piece of crap of a venue which looks like a relic from the 80s. Wait a minute. It is a relic from the 80s.

    My biggest regret was not bringing my digital camera. Even though I've been doing this for years now, I still get star-struck. The inner-geek in me wants to whip out my camera and start taking pictures and asking for autographs.

    I am more glad Ning Baizura won! At least she mentioned my name even though it was in the form of a question.

    Ning: Where's Audi Mok and Azlan Abu Hassan?

    There goes my 15 seconds.