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    Thursday, June 30, 2005

    Urban Driver's Survival Skills

    Evidently....I don't blog often enough.

    But I really have nothing interesting or funny to say.

    Although I do think it is very important that you know where your car alarm bypass switch is. It is absolutely not cool for your car alarm to go off and you don't know how to shut it off. People will hurt you.

    Also, I think it is equally important to have a utility knife in your car. Make sure the blade is super strong. You will need this when you see the need to slash someone's car tyres for one of the following reasons:

    1. When this person pisses you off or;
    2. When this person pisses you off or;
    3. When this person pisses you off or;
    4. When this person pisses you off or;
    5. When you feel like you are in a slashing mood.

    I've thought about this. Slashing the tyres works best. And you should slash AT LEAST two tyres; preferably three. The victim may use the spare if you slash only one tyre. It works better if you slash two since he/she is unlikely to have two spares. The point here is to immobilise and inconvenience this person for a bit.

    Ideally, one should slash three tyres as it would require the victim to change all four tyres since tyres are usually replaced in pairs. As I said, I have thought this through.

    Forget about scratching the car or breaking the windshield wipers. That's amateur. Unless you are able to power-scratch the phrase "I am a goat-fucker", slash the tyres. Windshield wipers cost RM20 to replace. Spray painting will cost you a can of paint and will bring attention to your activity.

    Slashing a tyre is fast, effective, and safe.

    In the event that your act is caught by most close-circuit cameras, all they will see is you bending over and getting up. If they ask, you were picking up some coins or your shoe laces were undone. Or my favourite reason: I felt the need to bend over. Women will get more milage with that excuse.

    On something completely different, you should also check the receipt of your parking ticket. I had this experience at the Hilton at KL Sentral where I was overcharged. I brought this up to Metro Parking and after a few days, they informed me that the cashier was fired. That made me feel sexy when I thought of the prospect that there may have been a strip search involved.

    In conclusion, slashing tyres is perhaps the best and most effective retribution to people who steal your parking space. I would recommend that you have an ice pick for this but it is more difficult to conceal an ice pick and even more difficult to explain why you are walking around with one. And ask for and check your receipt.

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